Friday's Child Redux

Sunday the toilet was almost overflowing. Tuesday night the power went out for 3 1/2 hours. Both those things sent me into a tailspin. Complete and total meltdown each time.

I plunged the toilet and it appears to be fine now. It might not be – time will tell – we’ve had a long history of drain problems with that house, but I’m hoping. There are usually other signs if it’s the drain, and a year and a half ago I spent ALOT of money to have it repaired, so I think we have a fair shot that it was just a clog.

The power thing on Tuesday night happened to the whole north side of town, so it wasn’t just about us. It lasted 3 1/2 hours, and ended before the estimated time we were originally told. It was the warmest night we’ve had in weeks, so that wasn’t an issue, and the elderly furnace and refrigerator restarted without any problems. The internet even came back online very quickly.

So it all ended happily. Most things do. I know that. Did that knowledge stop my meltdown?

Nope.

This has been a difficult summer. At turns challenging, at others, merely disappointing, but the result is that I’m worn out. My nervous system is on constant alert, as the challenging situations have been popping up rather regularly since May, and I haven’t been riding much – my usual defense against anxiety – since the weather has been less than amenable, and it’s been hard to align my mother’s schedule, my schedule, and good weather all summer.

Then there’s this other thing. In Buddhist literature, they refer to it as “the second arrow.” I don’t know when I started doing it, but it’s become increasingly a hindrance to my coping abilities, and it’s gotten worse over time.

When something challenging happens, that’s the first arrow. It’s something I have no control over, even something small, like the two things that happened this week. Just the normal slings and arrows of life that happen to all of us.

The second arrow, which I do have control over, is the story I tell myself as the anxiety and anger build.

The story is that it’s not FAIR that I should have to deal with whatever it is. After all, I’m a good person. I follow the rules. I try hard to live a good life. I’ve given up 14 years of my life to be a caregiver to my mother, for heaven’s sake, a woman who made my life miserable for most of it. What more do I have to do?

THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING TO ME.

So, not only do I have to deal with whatever the problem is, I also have to deal with my brain conjuring up all the anger and resentment of 64 years on this planet.

The second arrow is the real challenge, and it’s completely voluntary and unnecessary. It’s not the thing itself, so much, it’s how I feel about having to deal with the thing. Almost immediately I draw back the arrow and let ‘er rip. Every. Single. Time. Mostly.

Not like a grown up. Not like a reasonably intelligent, capable, human being.

Like a spoiled child, and I know better.

Do I do better? No. I’m human, and life is hard sometimes.

Is it crap to think that way? Absolutely! I have it really good. I know that. Fair is a place with rides and games, not a realistic expectation for life on this planet. I know that, too.

However, I’m still launching that second arrow straight into my head when confronted with almost every challenging situation. Over and over again. It’s not helpful, and it makes everything so much worse, but I do it almost every time.

Not every time, I’m happy to say, and that makes me feel like there will come a point at which I get over myself and just get on with things always, but I’m not there yet, obviously.

My path through this life has been one step forward, two steps back, from the beginning. I get where I’m headed eventually, but I take the longest possible route to get there. I make things harder than they need to be. I have no clue why. Just the way I’m made, I guess. I’ve been carrying that quiver full of arrows for a long time, and I hope someday I can just leave it by the side of the road and walk on.

Someday soon.

I love to think about the future. I wrote a post recently about some possibilities I’m thinking about for my life after my mother is not a part of it anymore, and some of that seems really interesting, even exciting, to me. I like to think about possibility. Some of it seems scary, but that’s okay, too.

What I do mostly, though, is worry about the future, and about possibility. Anything can, and does, happen in this world. Good and bad, enlightening, enlivening, crushing or challenging. I don’t worry about the good, but I do think about the bad.

A lot.

Not surprisingly, this causes anxiety, and sometimes it completely hijacks my brain and my nervous system, and I find myself stuck in a loop of doom. What if…one of the things on the very long list of potential problems happens in my life, with my mom, or Grace, or my health, or one of our houses, or with the insane current government in this country, or the weather, or…

On and on. So many things can go wrong, and in fact, have in the last few months, that I can spin for hours in the dark, murky waters of what if, and drive myself nuts. In fact, the last 2 years have been very challenging for me in a number of ways. (Other people, too, where the weather is concerned, especially.)

The only thing that has any chance of bringing me out of that spiral into the depts, is reminding myself that I only have to do today. And today, right now, is most likely fine.

Fundamentally, today it is the ONLY day.

Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not promised, and unknowable. I try to just enjoy the day. Do the things that are required today, and some things that are not required, but enjoyable and comfortable.

Think about and deal with tomorrow when it comes. Good things happen just as often as bad things, usually, and there is every chance that it will all work out just fine. My mother’s Yoda perspective on everything (except her own health) these days, is it will all work out somehow. (Work out it will.) 😉

She’s right, of course. I’m starting to have that long view, also. I have a 100% success record of getting through things at this point, and there’s no reason to believe that will change. I’m smart and capable and I’ll figure out what to do when it happens. Worrying about it is not helpful.

So, I just need to convince the 7 year-old in my brain and chest, who is panicking all the time. She remembers a time in this house, with this particular woman, in which she had to be vigilant all the time, on alert for trouble every moment of every day.

She’s just trying to keep us safe, and I get that, but really, I wish she’d just relax. I’m not 7 anymore, and I really don’t need to be on constant alert. There is plenty of time to panic when something is actually happening. I don’t need to rehearse.

I talk to her, and feed her sugary treats, and try hard to convince her, but she’s just as stubborn as she was then and I don’t seem to be getting through. The anxiety shows up in my dreams even if I don’t acknowledge it during the day.

I could take medication, but been there, done that. Don’t want to do it again now, for lots of reasons. I meditate. I journal. I exercise and feed all those helpful little endorphins to my weary brain. Most of the time, I’m fine. I stop the unhelpful worrying in its tracks, with a gentle reminder that TODAY is the only day, the only thing I have to worry about right now.

And then something challenging happens, and my nervous system gets all ramped up again, and here we go. On alert for a while. Until I remember and do the things that help, and remind myself of what today is.

It’s all good. I’m lucky in so many ways, and the challenges I face are so small compared to those others deal with everyday all over the world. Mostly I laugh at how crazy I am and just get on with it. I know that I’m all right no matter what, and that it’ll all work out in the end. I have perspective now that I didn’t have when I was a little girl, and someday she’ll trust me and life, and we’ll just get on with it together.

Someday…after all, anything is possible!

🤭

In the last couple of weeks, we have lost 2 of my favorite authors and two women I admire. Dolly Parton, Gloria Steinem, Wendell Berry, and now, just this week, Annie Dillard. What will we do without all those good people to sing to us, care for us, fight for us, and tell us who we are in the scheme of things on this beautiful planet? Others will fill those gaps, no doubt at some point, if not now, and we will go on, of course. It won’t be the same, though. Nothing stays the same. Everything changes, and though it’s difficult to come to terms with sometimes, it’s a “feature,” of this life, not a design flaw, as it turns out.

Grace is filling the “Clare” gap, in her way, by essentially becoming the “downstairs cat.” She has been exploring her new domain, and has decided that the downstairs, especially the living room, where mom is most of the time, has it all over the upstairs. This is a good thing, and mom is pretty happy about this particular adjustment. We both miss Clare, but Grace is filling that hole in our hearts, whether she intends to, or not.

I have had to adjust my belief that “everything on this earth has as much right to exist as I do,” by adding, “but not necessarily in my house”. I have been overrun with fruit flies for a few weeks. They are certainly annoying little buggers and they multiply rapidly, exponentially, in fact. I have eaten a banana for breakfast most every day of my adult life, and I’ve always just thrown the peels in the garbage. Suddenly this summer, that’s a problem.

For a while, my guests were just in the trash, then they branched out. They were, quite literally everywhere, pretty quickly, and I had to take action or move out. I chose to put out an apple cider trap, which was very effective. I really had to consider it, though. I didn’t want to kill them. I just didn’t want to live with them. They were not convinced to leave voluntarily, however, and they are impossible to catch – gee, they’re quick! – so the trap was the only answer. At least they had a last taste of something sweet in this life before being dispatched to the great beyond.

So, as Annie Dillard suggests in the quote above, I NOTICED them. Then I killed them. Sorry. Yes, they have a right to “be,” but not in my house unless they’re contributing to the mortgage. The spiders, the flies, the bees, and other bugs that find their way inside are given a reprieve and either just allowed to hang out (spiders), or gently guided to the outdoors in a Dixie cup.

I’m adjusting to Autumn, and life without Clare, and the challenges and gifts of aging. Life is always a dance with change, with loss, especially. I’m not a great dancer, but I’ve gotten better over the years, with plenty of practice.

Change is not always easy, but in my experience, it is mostly good. I have certainly changed in 64 years, and I celebrate that whole-heartedly. (I look at our President and am stumped that someone could be 80 years old and still reacting to life and people in the way he did as a 9-year old child.)

When I look back at all the adjustments I’ve made in the way I see and react to life over the years, thanks in part to writers like Annie Dillard and Wendell Berry, and role models like Gloria Steinem and Dolly Parton, and so many others, I am grateful for change, and the life I’ve lived.

As it turns out, it’s all good, no matter how it seems when it’s happening. I don’t believe in fate or that there’s a plan, or a god who administers that plan, but I do believe in flow. Of being in tune with the planet and with the stream of life we’re all navigating, making adjustments for the wind and the current as we go.

🚣‍♂️

I didn’t post last week. There are no rules to this blogging thing, really, but I do try to post regularly, for my own sense of continuity and responsibility, as well as furthering the hope of having regular readers. Last week, though, was really difficult and I didn’t have the energy or words to write a post.

Clare died at 5:04 on Thursday, September 3rd. She had taken a sudden and dramatic turn for the worse at the beginning of the week, and by Wednesday night, it became really obvious that she was in pain. She wandered the house crying all night. None of us got any sleep. I called first thing Thursday morning and the vet ended her life at the end of the day.

So now it’s just mom, me, and Grace. Mom and I are missing Clare terribly, but Grace, though a little confused, is relieved, I think. Clare was very territorial about mom and the whole downstairs, and she was confrontational with Grace whenever she entered “her” realm. So, for the better part of the last 13 years or so, Grace came down only occasionally to eat, and usually at night. She spent most of her time upstairs alone in my room.

So now she’s spending time downstairs with mom and me, and that makes me happy. I’m also relieved to know that there was nothing more I could do to help Clare, and that she hadn’t suffered long. The vet said she had lymphoma, but it had probably not been around long, and he said she probably had not suffered much discomfort until she made it obvious to us Wednesday night. She had the best summer of her life, eating all the canned food (fish!) and having all the treats she wanted.

My sweet, snuggly little girl. I miss her awful. Rest well, my sweet. ❤️

I recently became aware of an emotional regulation exercise that I’ve been using lately to help keep me focused on the good, and to avoid wallowing in the depths, as I’m inclined to do, especially after a loss. I read about it in a book by Jenny Lawson, but it originated with Neil Pasricha. It’s called Rose, Rose, Thorn, Bud, and it’s works exactly as you might imagine from the name. Anytime, but especially when things are tough, he suggests naming two good things that have come into your awareness, one challenge you’re facing, and something on the horizon that you can look forward to.

So…

Rose: Grace is healthy, and much happier, plus mom and I get to spend more time with her.

Rose: I was finally able yesterday to correct a problem with my computer that had rendered it a very expensive doorstop for the better part of a week.

Thorn: Clare is gone, and I miss her. but she’s no longer in pain and she had a good, long life.

Bud: Autumn bike rides!

Not every thorn can be turned into a rose – I get that, and some take longer to get past than others, for sure. When I look for the good, though, I find it, and that helps dull the sting a bit. Changing grief to gratitude is not easy and will take time, but I believe it’s worthy effort. Clare overcame a lot in her life, and she never gave up. She loved treats and feathered toys and her people without reservation, and I loved her.

Love is always a good thing, no matter what.

CLARE

June 2011 – September 2026. Rest in Peace, Angel Girl.

Most mornings my first thought upon waking is I don’t have to go to work today. 2 1/2 years into retirement, that still feels like a gift.

Most everyone I have known in my life enjoyed a long retirement, so it was not something unknown to me. I just never thought I would experience it. I didn’t think I would live long enough to retire. From the time I was small, I thought I would die young.

My grandma was my best person, and we had neighbors across the street, Sally and Carl, who were also like grandparents to me, though they were not related. I always felt safe and loved with elders. Not so much with younger people, including my mother, and certainly not with my peers.

That feeling has held through all of my life. I’ve always valued elders, but I never thought I’d be one.

I’m infinitely pleased and grateful that I was wrong about that, though I’m not really that old. Just older than I thought I’d be. I hope to be around a LOT longer, but I know that there is no guarantee. I do what I can to maintain my health, and hope for the best. Try to focus on each day as it comes, rather than the longterm.

There have always been guardrails on my life: my family and work, primarily. Now that work is gone (I hope forever), the only remaining limitation is my family. Currently, my mother is really the only thing holding me back from doing whatever I want. Longevity runs in her family, but she won’t live forever.

That is exciting and scary at the same time. If I’m not staying in this town because of my family, will I remain here after my mother’s gone? I never intended to live here after college. I came back because my mother had a breakdown and couldn’t be alone during the day while my father worked.

After that year, I had a job lined up in another state, and was planning my move, when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I got a job here and stayed to help. 40+ years later I’m still here. It’s been fine, and I have no regrets, but if I have the chance to move somewhere else, will I?

There are a few other questions like that:

1. Will I travel? I would like to.
2. Who will I spend time with? I like to be alone, but not all the time. How do you make friends when you don’t work, especially in a new town?
3. What else do I want to do that hasn’t been possible before?
4. What will I do if my health fails? Who do I want to be with and where?

I don’t have any other family. I have a few friends here now, and I love them, but I don’t hear from or see them often, and that’s less than ideal if I’m living alone again. My mom provides a lot of company. I lived alone for 35 years, but the last 14 have been spent with her.

So the big question is: am I going to go out and find a new life or sit in my house here alone and continue with the status quo? I know which is easier and less terrifying, and I know I scare easy. 😳 I also know that the only thing I’ve ever really longed for that I haven’t had much of a chance at, is complete freedom..

There is a part of me that wants to just get in the car and go. It’s always been there, encouraging me to let go of everything and start over. I think that part is about 7 years old. She’s always just wanted more. I disappoint her daily. 😌

She’s still there now, though, planning the future. Hoping for her chance to run the show. I feel ready to let her. I feel like I have everything to gain, including my whole and happy self, and nothing to lose, really. Nothing that really matters to me after my mom’s gone, except maybe safety, but I feel ready to let that go, too. It doesn’t really exist, no matter where you are, who you are, or what you’re doing.

I love this quote by Helen Keller: “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”

Helen Keller. Unable to see or hear, and felt that life was a daring adventure. Here I sit, perfectly healthy and whole, with every advantage in life, and I’m afraid to leave my comfortable, easy existence behind, in search of something better, or at least more interesting. If that isn’t a reality check, I don’t know what is.

So the big question: Will I?

Will I live as I imagine, as the 7-year old me advocates daily, or will I just hang on here? I don’t know the answer to that question now. I will, at some point in the next couple of years, and I hope it’s the right one. I think both answers are fine: life finds you wherever you are and whatever you think you’re doing.

Ultimately, of course, this is not about right or wrong. it’s about having a choice, and making it, Not just going with the flow. And…it’s about fear. Fear of the unknown, and also fear of regret. It’s also about living for myself and living for others; being of use in the world, or being free not to be. Both are desires of my heart.

I don’t regret the past, and I look forward to the future. No matter what it brings, or what choices I may face. I’m just excited to be here, To have a choice. It’s pretty exciting to think about, for sure.

The reality right now, though, is that I have to stop writing because I have to make lunch for my mom. Life is still right here, right now, and still requires me to be fully present to what is.

So I will, to the best of my ability, I will do what needs to be done. That’s an easy decision to make.

For now.

RIP Dolly Parton. You were a gift to this world. A shining star illuminating our path through darkness. We will miss you. ❤️

I have lived a small life, by some standards. Sometimes I think I could have lived differently—had more “success” in the world, as the world defines it – and I wonder what would have happened if I’d made even one different choice at some point. Would I have ended up here, now, in this house, in this town, in this life?

When I look back, though, I know that I’m right where I was always going; right where the path was taking me. I made the choices I made because at the time, they were the only choices I could make. If I could have done it all differently, I would have.

I made the choices that were right for me, at the time. At every turn, if I had made another choice, it would have been someone else’s life, not mine. I would have been living a lie. I chose what was right for me, what made sense to me, what my heart told me was the right way to go.

Now, I look at where I am and what I’m doing, and I know it’s all as it should be. I chose well. Maybe not by someone else’s standards or way of thinking, but I’m not living someone else’s life. Lots of things could have been different, but they weren’t, because I am me, and this is my life, my path, my choices.

My life would not be right for someone else, and that’s okay. They have their own thing. I don’t judge their choices, and I don’t care what they may think about mine. That’s what FREEDOM is all about.

Curiously, people online are VERY judgmental lately about how people should live, and our politics in this country has been dominated by a party for the past couple of years that has lots of ideas about how people should think and behave.

It makes me sad. It’s not the America I believe in. My philosophy of life can be summed up very succinctly: live and let live. I’m on my path, you’re on yours. Wave at me, wish me well as you pass, and then shut up and move on. I’ll do the same. I trust that you know where you’re going, and that you’re on the correct path for you, and I expect you to trust me in the same way.

That’s freedom.

We’ve lost that in this country—some of us—for a while. We’ll get it back, though. America is the land of the free and the brave. You can’t keep us—the majority—down for long. We don’t abide kings, or being lied to, or taken advantage of. Democracy works because if you make a mistake, you can correct it. We made this particular mistake twice, unfortunately, but we can still make amends.

Some lessons are harder to learn than others, but we’ll get there. I believe that. People are suffering and that’s not okay. We have to fix it–get back to thinking that we’re all equal, deserving of respect, and that we’re all due the same opportunities to succeed in our lives, in whatever way we define success.

That’s what America stands for. This is the land of opportunity. Free to be, you and me. Change is in the air, and I’m all for it.

Let’s go!

🇺🇸

I love summer. Its color, warmth, life. If you know me at all, you know this about me. Not big news. I like all the seasons, but I LOVE summer.

When I was a kid, August was the hottest month. We used to complain when we started school in early September that we weren’t allowed to wear shorts, cuz it was still hot. That has changed in the last 60 years. July is now usually the hottest month, and August is sashaying, ever so slowly, into autumn.

Labor Day, the traditional end of summer in America, is less than a month away now. The kids will go back to school the day after in my small town. The cross country team, the football team, and the marching band have all started practice. The temps are still quite warm, but the light is different. It gets dark earlier, but beyond that, it’s just the slant of the sun, and the way it plays on the leaves, that says soon.

Soon everything will be pumpkin-spiced and bundled up against the cold north wind. It’s just a whisper now—change is coming—but it’s in the breeze, the yellow on the plant leaves, the light. I hear get ready as I notice the birds and the butterflies and the bees busy gathering up the last of the bounty as they anticipate their journeys elsewhere or hibernation here.

I’m counting the days: how many more bike rides, how many afternoons reading under the umbrella in the backyard, how many more times will I have to mow the lawn? With all due respect to the Beach Boys, there is no such thing as endless summer here in the north country. It’s fleeting and finite, even in the best years.

It’s all here and then it’s gone. In a rush – just like that. Poof! All the warmth, the bright golden sunlight, the flowers, the birds and the bunnies. Many losses in the coming weeks and months, and then the long, cold, dark winter.

There are good things, too, about this transition, though. The tourists will leave, and the summer residents, and so traffic will be less of a headache everyday as I try to make my way through town. The grocery store shelves will be stocked again and remain so throughout the week, so weekly shopping will be less like a desperate scavenger hunt and more like something that just needs to be done whenever it’s convenient.

I won’t have to wear sunscreen! I get to watch the marching band practice, and when I lived in this house full-time, I could watch the football games on Friday nights from my front porch. The little kids will have gym outside when school starts again, and I’ll get to watch them run around the track in the morning while I’m journaling. They’re a riot!

I’ll take the air conditioner out of the window in the hall upstairs at mom’s, so the sun will shine through in the morning again. That will make the cats happy. No insect people in the house, requiring gentle removal. Just usually a spider or two in the bathroom to keep me company through winter.

I will ride on Zwift, which is way less complicated and less dangerous than riding outside, though not exactly as much fun. Still better than it used to be when I couldn’t ride at all for 8 months out of the year.

I will start art journaling again, and doing other “inside” things. I’ll clean both houses, something I refuse to do in the summer. That will make my mom happy.

It goes fast, summer. It’s not over yet, though, and that’s what I’m focused on. I will soak up these last days, store them away, and pull them out in memory on the coldest February days.

Autumn is lovely in many ways, and I’ll get into the spirit of that soon, too. Usually I’m able to get in some good rides in September and October, with a few extra layers, of course, but that’s okay, too. No sunscreen! The trees put on quite a show, and I know some great gravel routes through the woods nearby, that I usually only ride in the fall.

I’m not a pumpkin spice girl, and not a fan of apples, either, except in pie, of course! I like cocoa, though, and that’s my fall treat. I have A LOT of sweaters, and way more warm clothes than shorts and t-shirts. Getting them all out is like greeting old friends.

The list is long. Goodness abounds in all the seasons, and I’m here for all of it.

I have learned over the years to find happiness in what is. Wishing my life away waiting for what I want, and not what is, is a waste of time, and now that I have less of it ahead, I’m more mindful of how I spend it.

I can’t change the circumstances of my life, especially the weather, but I can change my thinking about it, my focus. There is good to be found in most everything, but sometimes I have to look hard for it. If I make the effort, though, I always find it.

That doesn’t mean that I won’t be sad about summer’s end, or that I won’t curse the wind and rain at least once this fall. I’m not perfect.

Just human. I’m better than I used to be, though. More skillful, I like to think. Always more to learn, though, and changes to come in the years ahead that will challenge me, I know.

That’s life, and I’m grateful for every minute of it.

💕

I’ve had a pretty easy life, compared to the horror that some people experience in childhood or adulthood. Really easy, actually. I was born white and free, and was raised in a middle-class family with two parents in a small town in America. I had the added benefit of a loving grandmother who lived nearby.

A good start. I’m retired now, because I had the good fortune to work all of my life, contributing to Social Security, and to spend the last 1/2 of my working life at an agency that provided me the opportunity to end up with additional retirement income.

I’m healthy. I have good friends. I have plenty to eat. I own a house and a car. I still have one living family member, as you know–my mother. Most of the time that’s a blessing. Not all the time, frankly, but most things in this life are that way, aren’t they? Not all good, not all bad.

If I outlive her, I will be alone. No other family. I was an only child, and all of my uncles and aunts have passed. I have cousins, but we don’t keep in touch, and our lives and our beliefs are very different. Fortunately, although I don’t have a lot of friends, the ones I have are good people who are good to me.

I have been very fortunate and I don’t take any of it for granted.

The one thing I ever really wanted, however, has eluded me–living my life as an author. I wanted to write books that changed people’s way of thinking, in the way books had changed my thinking growing up. I worked hard at making that dream come true for a large part of my life, but it was not to be. I’ve never been published anywhere other than the local newspaper. I had to accept that I was not the great writer that I imagined I was, and that the dream was not going to come true.

That acceptance happened about 20 years ago, and now I don’t consider it a failure. It is just what happened.

When I was young, I thought my life would be a lot different than it has turned out to be. I had that big dream, and it never occurred to me that it wouldn’t come true if I worked hard at it. That’s a very American thing, isn’t it? Something we really believe–you can do anything you set your mind to, if you work hard enough. Horatio Alger and all that. I bought into it heart and soul.

It certainly is true for some people. It has not been so for me. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, writing did not turn out to be my path to greatness in this life.

However, even though I may not be an author that anyone has ever heard of, I am still, and have always been, a writer. I’ve been writing since I was a little girl, and blogging for a long time. It’s just a part of me and something I enjoy. Blogging, especially, has allowed me to write with the possibility of having readers. It’s been a good thing for me. I write other things, too–stories and poems, mostly. Sometimes essays. Just for me. Because writing is simply what I do, who I am.

With, or without readers.

I have learned to focus on and write for the integrity of the words on the page, and not for views or likes or anything else. I don’t have any control over any of those things, and it is not mine to worry about. Sometimes, even after all this time, though, I still hope for a post that gets thousands of readers, rather than the 15 or so views that I average each day–most of which are AI bots. Whatever. I’m human. There is always hope, after all. 😉

Expectations are the enemy, though, and I know that. I have only failed as a writer if I expect more than I receive in exchange for my words. That’s true of everything in this life, really. The world doesn’t care about our expectations; only our commitment, and our efforts. My role is to put words on paper or online. That’s it. The rest of it is not my concern. No one ever promised a rose garden, right? Especially if you didn’t make the effort to plant one. You just do the thing you feel called to do, and whatever happens as a result of that, happens. Period.

I made the effort, and the “roses” still have not grown. Despite the American Dream, and my rock solid belief in it and in myself. You can plant the seeds, water them, fertilize them, pull the weeds, and still end up with no flowers. Ask any gardener. The amount of work you put into anything does not in any way guarantee the outcome you want. That’s just the reality of human life on this planet. Doesn’t mean that effort was wasted, especially if you enjoyed it and learned from the process.

It’s the focus on the result that is the failure. No honest effort toward anything is ever wasted.

So I keep writing. Lately I’ve been thinking about submitting some pieces for publication again, which I have not done in at least 25 years. There is a chance they would be accepted and published and have readers, but there is a much bigger chance they will be rejected. If I don’t try, though, there is no chance of anything.

I don’t believe in destiny or fate, a god, Walt Disney, or angels. I don’t pray, practice affirmations, have faith in manifestation, or wish on stars anymore. Of course, your mileage may vary. This is just my take on it. I’ve tried it all, believe me. I think anything and everything is possible, but unreliable, at best.

I trust myself–my heart, my brain, my soul–music, words, and the natural world around me. That’s it.

I think relying on “outside” intervention of any kind is setting myself up for disappointment. Expectation again. I’m constantly surprised by the things that happen in my life, and those that don’t, and if I’ve learned nothing else in my time here, it’s that I don’t have any clue what’s going to happen in the next minute, hour, day, or year. I don’t have a crystal ball. Neither does anyone else. I think believing that you are smarter than time, nature and life, is just ridiculous.

I don’t know what’s best for me. Neither does anyone else. I would never have imagined that the most important thing I would do in my life is care for a woman I was totally at odds with for most of it.

I often feel more like I have survived my life, than lived it. I had a plan, and almost none of that plan has worked out in the way I envisioned. I have just moved from one living situation to another, one job to another, etc. The only constants have been friends, bicycling, writing, music, and my family. It has all worked out just fine. I have learned more from the “failures” than the wins, for sure. I have been changed in the ways I needed to change, and helped to become a better person.

I’m not done with any of it yet, and I’m grateful for that.

I have talents that the world knows nothing about, and weaknesses that no one knows about, either. We all do. I’m the only one who knows myself fully. That’s true for each of us. I like myself, just as I am. Until the very end, I’ll just be over here writing, and enjoying my life as much as I can before it’s time to move on to whatever is next.

The only thing I know about anything for sure, is that it’s all good.

✌️

I have chosen the circumstances of my life. I’m comfortable with who I am. I’m not perfect, but I’m not a horrible person, and I do the best I can. I used to believe that everyone did, and for the most part, I think that’s true still. Our current president in this country, and his staff have convinced me, however, that it’s not true of everyone. Some people are horrible just because they can be, and that’s sad, but it doesn’t really have anything to do with me.

I’m only ultimately responsible for myself. I’m also responsible for 2 cats, because I have forced them to live with me and have denied them the opportunity to fend for themselves in the world. My guess is that they’re okay with that – they’re both pretty fond of treats and a cushy place to sleep.

I’m responsible for my mother’s care now, and have been for a while.

I’m not responsible for the kind of person she is or the things she does or the decisions she has made or the ones she makes now. I was never responsible, nor am I now, for her happiness. It took me a long time, and a lot of therapy to understand that. I’m not convinced that she understands that, but I do, and so we’re okay.

She’s not the same person she was when I was growing up, and for the most part we get along pretty well now. She has lived a lot longer than I ever dreamed she would when I decided to fill this role 14 years ago, but life is always surprising and that’s a good thing. If I had known I was in for this long haul, I probably wouldn’t have consented to take it on, and that would have been a mistake. I mostly don’t pay much attention now when she tells me what she thinks I should do, but every once and a while I’m 6 years old again and want to make everything okay for her so that I can be okay.

Wednesday was that kind of a day. She talked me into doing something that turned out to be a very bad decision, and I was lucky to return to my 64 year old self in time to un-make it.

On Wednesday, I made an appointment for Clare, one of my cats, to be euthanized today at noon.

She’s been having some trouble lately, behaving unlike the sweet little girl we have known, and it was upsetting mom. She had told me several times in the last couple of months that she thought Clare was miserable and that I should have her “put to sleep,” (stupid euphemism for killing an animal, which I’ve never liked) and I very clearly told her every time that her behavior was admittedly annoying, but that in no way is she miserable, and that I had no intention of killing her for being annoying. She is not ill, and for the most part she is just fine, though I will admit, her personality has changed and she is no longer the cat I’ve known for 15 years all the time anymore, but different is not “bad.” She is not miserable. She is not suffering. There is no reason to even be considering euthanasia at this time.

Wednesday when I got home, however, mom was miserable. She was very upset about Clare that morning, and I was overwhelmed with other things that are going on, and I just wanted life to be easier. In that moment, I called the mobile vet and made the appointment.

Yesterday, I came to my senses and changed the appointment into a check-up to see if there’s something we can do to support Clare as she ages. I had a long talk with mom about dealing with the behavior that she finds so objectionable, and made it clear that it was her problem, not mine, or Clare’s, to solve. She agreed. I made the argument that she is annoying, too, but that I’m not considering having her killed. We laughed, and all was well in our world again.

She won’t remember our talk, and we’ll have to have the conversation over and over for the rest of Clare’s (or mom’s) life, but my priorities are clear to me again, and this has served as a good reminder of how easily mom can manipulate me, no matter how old I am or how many years of therapy I had. I’m disappointed that I fell into that old conditioned response to a very familiar scenario (Something’s wrong with mom! Oh no! What can I do to fix it/make her happy/make her love me?), but I forgive myself.

All of my selves, including the 6 year old and the 64 year old and all the other ages in between.

So tomorrow we’ll meet the mobile vet (wonderfully convenient) and talk about ways we can help my sweet little girl be more comfortable and happy, and then we will go on with our lives.

All of us. All of our complicated, wonderful lives.

🐈‍⬛