I saw this tweet last night and it made me laugh. It summed up so wonderfully this past week, and really, the more I thought about it, the last 7 years. A kidney stone! Yes.
Hard. Painful. Perfect.
It’s the again-ness of life that is so hard. It’s the same stuff over and over and over and over again, until you think you can’t stand to go through it one more minute. You do, of course, because this is life and for better or worse, this is all there is. And the kidney stones?
That’s what it’s all about.
When all is said and done, moving forward gracefully, freely, and authentically in life requires the pain of letting go that which no longer serves us, even though it’s excruciatingly painful and it seems to take forever sometimes.
The past week has very nearly done me in. Personal health issues, my mother’s bottomless pit of health problems, work challenges, and the weather all gave me a run for my money this week, and I’m a little worse for wear.
The proverbial stone hasn’t passed yet, though. It’s still in there grinding away at my insides. Nothing has passed except time, nothing has changed. All the same old stuff just goes on and on… Five years until retirement. Who knows how long my mother will hang on, or how long the cold and wind will persist in the glacial Spring awakening this year.
I keep reminding myself that nothing lasts forever, that all is well in this moment, even when it isn’t, and that there is more to life than the crap. It’s hard to see, especially when the again-ness is what is most evident lately. The hits just keep on coming, and I take them all and keep going.
I worry that there will be a point at which I can’t keep going. I worry about what would happen to my mom if I became unable to care for her, and the cats. I feel sad about the idea that I might never live in my little house again, or that I might never know what it’s like not to have to work so hard all the time.
I have been grasping the ledge all week, barely hanging on, hoping to pull myself up and find my footing again. I’ve been looking for and clutching the handholds – friends, books, sunshine, hockey (Steve Yzerman is coming back to Detroit!), online connections, music – and still this morning, I’m grasping for hope.
This difficult week – this kidney stone – is passing. There will be more stones, though – difficult days, difficult weeks, difficult years. That’s life. It’s hard. Everything seems to happen over and over, again and again.
Each passing takes something from me and leaves a void. I have to really talk fast to the idealist in me, who is very, very discouraged – to keep her going, to convince her not to give into cynicism or hopelessness. To convince her to let go of her idea about the way things should be, and to find the joy and reason for hope in what is.
It ain’t easy, let me tell you. Honestly, I’m tired of the pain and the again-ness. I’m ready for freedom and fun and all the good things that I sort of envision as just outside the field of possibility right now. I feel certain that I’ve mastered pain and that I’m due something else.
I know that’s not how it works. When I’m in my right mind I know that life is less about being happy and more about being of use. If I’m thinking clearly, I know that I am just fine, and it is just the story my ego has made up about my poor beleaguered self and how bad she has it that is making me believe anything other than the truth of my fundamental well-being.
So I guess that stone is on its way out. There will be another and another after that. Sooner rather than later, I’m sure. Each one provides me with an opportunity to let go of something else I no longer need, and in that light, I should be looking forward to the pain.
Not quite there, yet. But further along than I was, so that’s good enough.
If you celebrate – Happy Easter! Here’s to the resurrection of us all.
Last night I had a vivid dream that has stayed with me all morning. I’ve been trying to determine what it was trying to convey to me, cuz it was so clear and memorable. I don’t usually remember dreams. I wake most often with heart-clenching anxiety over dreams I can’t remember. So this one was unusual.
I had just moved into a new house – a mobile home, one that I lived in for 12 years, actually – and I was so happy! I was unpacking and setting all my stuff up just so, just the way I wanted it to be in my new home and feeling so lucky to have this great place.
I was in the bedroom putting clothes in the closet and singing, when I became aware of voices in the back yard. I looked out and there were 10 or so people out there, kind of rough, backwoods kind of people, mostly men. Two of them were starting to cut down a tree and another one was digging a hole.
I ran outside and on my way to the backyard around the front of the house, I could see that they had laid traps – the kind that are like jaws with big teeth – on chains all across the front lawn. I ran around to the back and yelled, “Stop! What are you doing? This is my house!” They all turned to look at me with blank stares for a couple seconds, and then went back to what they were doing.
I ran over to one of the men who had a long white beard and a huge halo of messy white hair and asked him what they were doing there. It took him a long time to answer, and then he said, “You can’t have this all to yourself. This is for everyone.”
I was devastated. I had been so happy! Then I had the thought that I have had quite often in my life – whatever I want, whatever I love, whenever I’m happy, if I enjoy it too much I’ll lose it.
Then, still in the dream, I relaxed. Not in a defeated way, but in an accepting way. I went back in the house.
What they were doing outside was not really affecting me inside. I had not lost anything, as long as I was in the house. I had been happy inside, doing my thing. Singing. My space, my stuff, my voice, my self. Outside was a bunch of stuff that I don’t like or approve of or support, but that I have absolutely no control over. I was fine until I looked outside. The traps were right outside the door of my house.
And it isn’t true that I lose everything that makes me happy. Sometimes it true, yes. Cuz that’s just life. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don’t. But I’m learning that the more something I want is based on something that someone else is doing, or being, or having, the less likely it’s going to work out for me the way I would like it to.
Sometimes I let myself down and that’s heartbreaking, but it’s also something I have control over, for the most part, and something I can change. I can stop doing that. I can show up for myself.
What I can’t do – THE THING THAT GETS ME IN TROUBLE ALL THE TIME – is count on other people to show up for me. Thinking that it’s necessary for other people to behave as I want them to for me to be happy or safe or whatever sets me up for disappointment EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Cuz other people aren’t me. They have different desires and goals and paths to happiness or fulfillment. Sometimes their desires and goals and paths will coincide with mine. We can be together, work together for a common purpose, support each other. Human life is a communal experience and finding common ground is crucial to our survival and purpose.
However, we can’t be each other. We’re all entitled to our own stuff. Ultimately, we all have to follow our own path, do what’s right for us alone, show up for ourselves, stand in our own integrity. And I think what the dream was trying to teach me was that it’s not up to me to decide if someone else’s sense of who they are or what they should be doing in this life is right or wrong. I can look at them and decide that who they are or what they’re doing is not who or what I want to be or do, but beyond that, it has nothing to do with me, even if it affects me.
You can’t have this all for yourself. This is for everyone.
The only thing I can do is take care of myself if I’m hurt, look away or leave if what they’re doing is too painful to watch, express my view if I really feel I need to do that, while being fully mindful that it probably won’t change anything, even though it might make me feel better.
So really being happy comes down to minding my own business. That seems easy, but it’s not, is it? Simple, but not easy, as is true of so many things in this wonderful and interesting life. This is not the same as self-absorption – quite the opposite – it’s simply the realization that it’s not all about me, except for what is inside me.
I’ve been circling around this concept for a while now. It’s a theme in what I’m reading and thinking about and experiencing, and I think this dream was my mind’s way of tying it all up with a little bow and handing it to me. I love it when things work out like that. Helps me to feel supported, even though I don’t have a clear sense of where that support comes from. It’s still good to know it’s there.
So a good day in Earth School. Of course, the final exam is the next time I encounter someone who’s doing something that bugs me.
I wonder how I’ll do?