A Christmas Wish
Humor
Rolling ramble
This time of year, I tend to measure the quality of the day by the weather. Spring has been slow to come here, and I have had to adjust my expectations. I’m pretty far north, so a cool Spring is not wholly unheard of, but this year is unique in memory for its refusal to warm up to even “normal” temperatures. It’s almost June and we’re still in the 50s F for the most part. And the rain!
Oh, the rain. So. much. rain.
My window for riding without freezing body parts is pretty narrow as it is, and this year it’s getting even slimmer. My last ride in the fall was in mid-September, due to abnormally cold and rainy weather heading into early snow, so if this year follows suit, I’ll be lucky to get 100 days of decent riding weather. Considering it’ll probably rain for at least 1/3 of those days, the view is grim from my saddle.
So, I have to lean back and remind myself of two important realities:
- I have no control over the weather. Which is really a shame, cuz given the chance I feel like I could do a lot better. (tee hee)
- I can’t foretell the future. It could be a lot better than I’m imagining and I’m going to hang on to that possibility with every ounce of strength I have.
Having said all that, I have managed a couple of really nice rides in the last week: a quick one last Wednesday after work when the temps were still in the high 50s after work and there was very little wind and LOTS of beautiful sunshine, and an absolutely perfect ride on the Pretty Purple Bike on Saturday when the temps soared into the 70s.
Last week was a perfect example of the silliness of Michigan weather: Wednesday full cold weather gear on my ride, 3 days later shorts and shorts sleeves, and the next day too cold to ride. I wore a jacket and gloves to mow the lawn yesterday.
…sigh…
Whatever. This is where I live. Complaining doesn’t change the weather, but it does make me feel slightly better to rail at the universe over the unfairness of it all. Believe me, I get how lucky I am to have nothing more than cool temps to complain about while others are dealing with tornadoes and flooding.
Really. I get that.
Still gonna complain, though. 😜
Good news, too: Hanging out at the gym all winter has resulted in more than a good relationship with the gym dog. (She’s a sucker for treats.) I have increased muscle in my arms and legs, which is noticeable on the bike and in doing yard work this Spring. Hard work pays off. We know this, don’t we? Still hard, when in the winter all I really wanted to do after work was go home and crash. I did it, though. I didn’t let myself down, and now I’m reaping the rewards. I love it when that happens!
It’s bound to warm up sooner or later (I so hope it’s sooner), and I’ll get out on the trail as often as I can. That’s all I can do. As in so many things, my displeasure with the weather has everything to do with my expectations and almost nothing to do with the way things really are. Two choices:
- Expect things to be different than they are.
- Be happy.
Uh, number 2, please!
See you on the trail. 🚲
Saving the day
There once was a woman named Jane,
Who thought getting up was a pain.
And then it got worse!
A person averse
To time as we knew it,
plotted to screw it!
Spring forward! they said,
It’ll be loads of fun,
The days will be longer,
We’ll get lots more done!
Of losing an hour they thought we’d agree
It was worth it and so they made the decree,
About being sleepy and cranky and such,
Nobody thought we’d care all that much.
They forget about Jane,
Who was slightly insane,
And needed to sleep,
To rest her brain.
And when she found out about the lost hour,
she went on a rampage and feeling quite dour,
she put out a call to all who would hear;
To all fellow sleepyheads far and near.
For death and destruction to all those who say.
Daylight Savings is best! A much longer day!
She didn’t Spring forward, our heroine Jane,
She let out a scream, wailing in pain,
When the bell went off an hour early,
And when she got up she was certainly surly.
She went to the drawer and rooted around
Until what she sought was finally found.
And once in hand, the hammer she swung
Against the alarm which had rudely rung,
And ruined her slumber and made her so mad!
And when she was done she didn’t feel bad.
She got back in bed and snuggled in good,
And realized now that really she could
Sleep as long as she wanted, saving the day,
How it should be, this day, her way.
You can’t save time, it doesn’t work!
She said to herself with a impudent smirk.
It has its own plan and it doesn’t care
What we all think or what we will dare.
Like fooling with time and losing an hour–
Who are we to have that power?
Not me, she said, and pulled up the spread,
Fluffed her pillow and snoozed instead.
When I am Queen
1. People who take their children to the grocery store and let them run around, driving everyone in the grocery store except the parent crazy, will in future, be under house arrest until the children are 21 or until death, whichever comes first.
2. People at work who take the last drop of coffee or hot water from the pot and then leave the pot on the counter next to the coffee machine, thinking maybe that the coffee will magically regenerate itself, will be strung up and beaten.
3. People who do not drive at least the speed limit on a two-lane royal highway on a perfectly nice, sunny, dry day, will be arrested and forced to watch paint dry in a tiny airless room for a period of at least 10 years.
4. People who whine will be slapped. Repeatedly.
5. Justin Bieber, Meghan Markle, and anyone with the last name “Kardashian,” will not be allowed to live in the kingdom, or speak to anyone in it. Any and all record of their existences will be expunged, and any attempt to enter the kingdom or communicate with anyone in the kingdom, especially, but not limited to, those with access to the media, will be met with severe penalty.
6. The national anthem will be Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy, and the national symbols will be Ren and Stimpy. Codicil to the above: People who complain about the national anthem or the national symbols will be executed without trial.
7. People who call the Queen before 8 a.m. on a Saturday, thus waking Her Royal Highness and making her unhappy, and then further distress the royal personage by NOT LEAVING A VOICEMAIL, will be forced to endure unspeakable cruelty at the hands of the Queen’s meanest minions for a period to be determined by the Queen’s mood day-to-day.
8. People who blather on endlessly about their Spring Break vacations to the Queen and others who are not taking one, will be banished from the kingdom.
9. People who go to other interesting kingdoms and can’t be bothered to take two minutes to send the Queen a postcard will find it difficult to return to the kingdom wihout penalty.
10. No work of any kind will be allowed in the kingdom on sunny days. Anyone who attempts to force the Queen or any of her subjects to work on a sunny day will be chained to the back of an angry elephant for the rest of their lives, which consequently would most likely be short due to the painful internal bleeding.
11. People who do not work will not be allowed use of the royal roadways during daylight hours.
12. Senior members of the kingdom must be respected and treated kindly and generously at all times by younger subjects; however, a chauffeur will be provided for any elder whose conduct on the royal roadways strikes fear into the hearts of other drivers. Codicil to number 12: Likewise, any elder citizen unable to exceed 15 mph on royal highways will be subject to the chauffeur rule.
13. Rain will be tolerated only after dark. Snow will not be tolerated at all.
14. Employers in the kingdom are required to provide all employees with a minimum of 12 weeks’ paid vacation, and a minimum wage that allows for dinner out at least twice a week in addition to all other regular expenses.
15. People who call the Queen’s place of work when the Queen is responsible for the phone, and give the Queen a hard time because of something that is entirely not the Queen’s fault, or area of responsibility, will be denied phone privileges FOREVER.
16. In fact, telephones are hereby prohibited anywhere in the kingdom. The approved method of communication from here on out will be e-mail or text, which is quieter, and far less fascist than the telephone.
17. Temperatures below 50 degrees will not be tolerated outside, and 70 degrees will from here on be the minimum inside temperature for any building wishing to host the Queen.
18. Cats who wake the Queen prior to sunrise will be removed from the royal chamber unceremoniously, and can just forget about any more poisson de mer treats.
19. Drivers who fail to use their blinkers, so that other drivers (including and especially the Queen), have to wait forever to pull out, only to realize that all that time had been wasted because the car they’ve been waiting for intended to turn all along, but DIDN’T USE THE BLINKER, will be subjected to no less than 14 years hard, very hard, especially hard labor.
20. The only recognized and celebrated holidays will be: Thanksgiving and St. Patrick’s Day and all birthdays; with the Queen’s birthday being a mandatory paid holiday for all employees in the kingdom.
21. Unkind words will cost the speaker $100 and a small piece of tongue each.
22. Housework has been deemed tedious, unpleasant, and utterly pointless and will therefore be banned from here on forth.
23. Children will not be allowed in public until their parents grow up.
24. People who take themselves too seriously, and/or otherwise possess no sense of humor will be unceremoniously removed and forever banned from re-entering from the kingdom, until they get a fecking clue.
It has been decreed, and so it shall be.
Ode to Snow
Snow, snow,
so white and bright,
winter cold and deadly blight.
Shoveling madly,
watching more fall,
getting plowed in,
wanting to bawl.
O lovely snow,
you make me so sad,
I just want some warmth,
I want it so bad!
To ride my bike,
to sweat and see green,
alas and alack,
there’s none to be seen,
just white all around,
day after day.
When does it end?
Please take me away!
To sweet summer climes
with flowers abloom,
and trees that have leaves,
and birds that zoom,
and sing summer’s song
of color and life;
instead of this cold
that cuts like a knife,
and snow, snow,
horrid old snow,
that blows and buries
and just won’t go.
Just two more months,
but will I survive?
I have before,
I’ve stayed alive.
It’s awful stuff,
this wretched snow.
It’s time to go, man,
quit, and BLOW!
Nailed it!
I think I got too relaxed! I’m having trouble getting back into regular life after the holiday weekend. Work yesterday was less than invigorating. The day dragged on and on, and while I got done all that I needed to, I didn’t really do very much. I slouched home around 4:30. I took the long way and drove past a few favorite lake viewing spots, cuz it was really windy and the waves were powerful and gorgeous, and that helped a little. Mom wasn’t feeling well when I got home, so it was a quiet evening, and I was relieved the day was over when I climbed into bed.
So now…Tuesday. It’s. Only. Tuesday. I didn’t sleep very well; I had a bunch of weird dreams and woke up jangling with anxiety. So yesterday’s mild inertia has become today’s yawning paralysis.
Good times. 👍
A couple of things have happened in the last couple of days that have caused me to worry about the future. Change is hard. Loss is hard. I don’t have so much in my life that I can afford to lose some of it – any of it. Everything is in short supply – time, friends, money, ease. My life is simple these days, by necessity, but it’s not easy. I don’t necessarily need it to be – I’m doing fine with facing and doing what needs to be done mostly – but I’m not thrilled by the idea of it getting harder.
So I have to remind myself over and over that I’m not in control, and that I know how to keep myself sane and on-task. All the clichés are on auto-repeat in my head: This too shall pass, Nothing lasts forever, Change is inevitable and not necessarily bad, etc.
Sometimes I wish life happened in slow-motion and that you could press a cosmic Ctrl-Z to do over the things that don’t happen the way you want them to. Wouldn’t that be great? Too bad it doesn’t work that way. (Certainly if Microsoft could manage it the Creator of the Universe could have. Just sayin’.) An occasional window into the future seems like it would be a good thing, too, but maybe not. I would only want to see the good things ahead; the bad things would be too discouraging, I’m afraid, and we know there is no good without the bad, don’t we?
Don’t we? Honestly, though, I’d like to try it out.
Sooooo…here I am, at my desk, trying to keep the anxiety at bay in between giant gaping yawns. No worries. It’s gonna be a GREAT day. 🙂
When I am Queen
- Anyone who deliberately harms a child, animal, or disabled or elderly person IN ANY WAY will be imprisoned for life, forced to eat spiders, and have body hair removed one at a time with tweezers for 2 hours daily.
- Bullying, in any form, will not be tolerated. Perpetrators will be imprisoned and forced to endure the really bad and annoying acts on “America’s Got Talent” 24 hours per day, and consume a diet consisting only of worms for the remainder of their lives
- TV commercials will be banned. (Except the funny ones – the Queen enjoys the funny ones. They will be reclassified as Entertainment and re-filmed without the annoying selling part.)
- Daily news will be made available on all media outlets once per day for one hour. Period.
- Political campaigns will be allowed to assault the public consciousness for two weeks ONLY prior to any election. Failure to abide by this rule will result in immediate imprisonment and voice box removal.
- It will be forbidden to discuss politics or elections. See above re: voice box removal. End of story. The Queen will not entertain any dissension on this point. Finito. Ipso facto. Done.
- Voting will be made easy for everyone over 18 through various forms of technology and will be required. Failure to vote will result in immediate expulsion from the realm. Really. If you don’t use it you lose it. Go live in North Korea or China, then tell the Queen how it’s not worth voting or you don’t have the time. Honestly.
- Lying will be a crime, punished swiftly and eagerly. Anyone discovered to have been lying will be imprisoned in a solitary, sound-proof chamber, given only tar and snakes to eat, and vinegar to drink for the rest of their lives.
- All subjects not prevented by an allergy or other contraindication will be given all available vaccinations. There will be no exceptions to this rule. Failure to comply with this rule will result in expulsion from the realm. Period. No kidding. Children and old people are not going to die in the realm because you read something on the internet and are too stupid to know it’s crap.
- Healthcare for all in the realm will be treated as the inalienable human right it is. It will be provided at no cost to every person in every place. Ditto education. Any teacher or educational system who allows a child to pass to another level without a firm grasp of all he’s learned to that point will be imprisoned immediately, and placed in solitary with a bag over their head(s) for the remainder of their lives. Everyone – EVERYONE – in the realm will be able to read, write, do math, and have a basic understanding of history and science, and will therefore be a valued participant in his own life and in the life of the community.
- No one in the realm will make more than $100,00 per year, or possess more than $150,000 at any one time. Seriously. Belief that one must possess more money will be considered a mental illness and treated accordingly with drugs and counseling. Subjects will be encouraged to get a fecking clue about what’s important in life. Money makes people crazy, and the Queen will not tolerate that kind of crazy.
- No taxes. (Fantasy monarchy, fantasy realm, fantasy money. Easy-peasy. Yeah, I could fantasize about Brad Pitt or something, but this is what I wish for. Don’t judge.)
- No guns. No exceptions. No hunting – see #1. No kidding. (I don’t have to explain or defend – I AM THE QUEEN. )
- The Queen will be the Queen for life. All other positions of influence in the realm will be filled by election. In order to qualify to run for a position of influence you must demonstrate to the Queen that you are an intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate, truthful person of integrity, with no prejudices of any kind.
- Everyone is welcome in the realm. If you are willing to live by the rules, you are welcome no matter your gender, your color, your size, your anything. We will be free to live our lives, safely, healthfully, and joyfully in the realm, unmolested by the intolerance, misinformation and vagaries of our present human society.
The Queen anticipates presiding over a small court (see #14) and a small realm. That’s fine. It will be a place where people are nurtured and as happy as they can be, where children are valued and LIFE is valued and everything else – anything that robs us of peace, including other people – are simply not allowed. Life is too hard for us NOT to support one another and try to ease each other’s way. That’s just the way it should be.
And so it is, and so it shall be, now and forever. The Queen has spoken.
The Electric Idealist 