Month: February 2023

Sing your song

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I grew up in a singing family. My dad was a barbershopper, and sang in a men’s chorus every week until just before he died. He grew up singing in churches with his brothers and sister in the 1930s and early 40s, following my itinerant minister grandfather all around the midwest US. He remembered those hymns and could sing them in perfect pitch all of his life, including when he was robbed of most of his memories by dementia at the end – he didn’t remember who I was or even who he was, but he remembered the words to those songs he had sung as a child, 70+ years earlier.

Music was really who my dad was. He played several musical instruments, and he loved listening to all kinds of music. It was not ever what he did to make a “living,” though. He played in bands on the weekend. He sang in groups in the evenings and on weekends. He was a happy guy in all areas of his life, because he was able to do what he loved. He truly sang “his” song, and I was lucky to grow up with him as a model for living.

I love to sing, too, but writing has always been my passion. Like music for my dad, it has played a large part in my life, but writing has not been how I’ve made my living, either. It has always been there for me, though, and it is fundamentally how I think of myself: I am a writer. I’ve been writing online the last 30 years, and I especially like blogging. It gives me the opportunity to speak my truth and share it with the “world.”

According to Earthlink.net, there are currently 600 million blogs on the internet. 600 million. This is just one of them, and I don’t reach a lot of people. I don’t care about that number, though, and I can guarantee you, that there is no other blog like this one, because it’s the only one I write. No one sees the world in the way I do, thinks like I do, or expresses themselves in exactly the same way. No one has had my history, or was born with my particular talents or skills or faults. No one has my exact DNA.

I am the only me.

I trust that there is some reason I want to write what I write when I write it, even though the odds of one of the 8 billion people on this planet finding my blog in the sea of 600 million in this vast other-world, called the internet are astronomical. Truth is I’m not very good at math, never have been, and also, I don’t see that those other blogs have anything to do with me. The internet is not an either/or place. It’s an and/with place. Not you OR me, but you AND me. There’s room for all of us. I’m doing it cuz it’s what I want to do. The rest is no concern of mine. I’m the only me and I’m just doing what makes me happy.

You are the only you.

What makes you happy? Are you doing that thing?

You have come here to give the gift of you, without which the fabric of creation is incomplete. – Mary Morrissey

Nothing less than that – the fabric of the universe – is at stake. Each of us is unique in the universe and on this planet; each with a special part to play. If you’re not stepping into your role, living your purpose, singing your song, we’re all missing out. Most of all, you, though – you’re missing out. Playing small or thinking there’s no room for you, that you’re no good at whatever it is, or there isn’t enough time, or not enough whatever is doing yourself and the world a disservice.

Do what you want to do. Listen to your heart. What is it telling you? What do you want to do? What have you always wanted to try, but were afraid to give yourself permission to explore? Did you convince yourself that it wasn’t for you? That you would fail? Well, those things may turn out to be true, but what if they aren’t? And what if they are? Just trying and learning about something new may lead you to something you didn’t know about that you love more! Instead of focusing on what is, how about asking what if? That one letter could make a huge difference in the way you see the world!

What if you experience unimaginable success? What if it changes your life and you want more? Is that what scares you?

Yeah, the unknown is risky and definitely scary. So start small, and don’t tell anyone. This is for you. You don’t have to share it until you’re ready, or never, if that’s what you want. This is a big beautiful planet, and there are so many wonderful creative pursuits, fascinating places to travel, sports to experience, just SO many delightful and meaningful experiences to be had – highs and lows of human life that you can only know about if you step out of your comfort zone and try. Ultimately, whatever you want to create is within your grasp.

It’s probably not going to change the world, but if it changes you, that’s what’s important. Even if it just makes you happier, that’s enough. More happy people in the world will change it. You’re not responsible for anyone’s happiness but your own, though, so focus on that. Make time for what you love. Invest in it. Time, money, energy. Arrange it so that whatever it is can be ready to go at a drop of a hat when you have a few minutes, even if unexpected. It’s worth it.

You’re worth it.

And we want to hear your beautiful song.

Seeds of promise

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Resist and sit, curled and waiting. In this waiting place, uncover what is enough. Not in the sense of settling or in playing too small, but the kind of enough that allows our hearts to expand and our shoulders to loosen, the kind of enough that allows creativity to blaze and joy to bloom, the kind of enough that opens space in our lives to hold ourselves and our seed dreams. Darkness and silence can hold both the sparks of our dreams and the embers of our hopes. We are our own seeds of promise.

–Molly Remer/Mother Tongue Ink, We’Moon 2023

Enough. I am enough. You are enough. There is enough time, money, energy, love – whatever it is we need.

ENOUGH.

Growing up I felt alternately, depending on who I looked to for affirmation, that I was either not enough, or too much. Most of the adults in my life (not all, thank goodness) either found me lacking or tried to rein me in. I finally came to understand that those assessments had way more to do with them than it did with me. Later, 20 years or so ago when I filed for bankruptcy, I felt there wasn’t enough of anything, really, especially me. I didn’t think I would ever recover financially, or emotionally from the claustrophobic feeling that I wasn’t enough; not good enough.

That was a difficult time, and it has taken a while, but I’m back to the me who had the courage to start that failed business originally 27 years ago. It’s nice to be that me again, and it’s nice to feel that there is nothing lacking. There is enough of me, certainly – I am able to manage everything I choose to fairly well, I think – and there is enough of everything else, too.

The reality is that there always was – evidenced by the fact that I’m still here – and there always will be. The universe is vast, and within it is everything you can imagine and certainly everything you need. Occasionally I catch myself feeling that there isn’t enough time for all I want to do, but then I remember that time is infinite, and it’s my 24-hour a day thinking that limits me, not time.

So, yay! I have all the time in the world, and money flows freely and easily from everywhere, and I’m loved beyond measure and my energy is boundless, as long as I take care of myself.

Oh. There’s that. The taking care of myself part.

As it turns out, it’s not all about the limitless nature of the universe. My human body on this planet has limits and they’re part of the bargain. If I ate everything I wanted to, did everything I wanted to, didn’t do everything I didn’t want to, I would be limiting my life and my potential dramatically. So turns out living without limits includes living with limits.

Wait – what?

Everything is a choice, and choices have consequences. How I spend my time matters. What I eat matters. What I do matters. I have to choose, and if I choose wisely, I’m more likely to live life in the limitless way I envision. If I choose wisely, I get more choices. If I don’t choose wisely, at some point I will lose the ability to choose. It’s like planting a seed. If you plant it in good soil, and you water it and make sure it gets the light it needs for optimal growth, and fertilize it, it will sprout and grow to its full potential. If you just press it in the ground and walk away, you are limiting that potential. It may still sprout, cuz that’s the nature of seeds, but the plant will not grow for very long without light and water.

So, what does this mean in my daily life?

I limit social media, cuz I am more interested in how I see the world than the fake portrayal of life that shows up in my feeds. I limit news and other input from online sources and TV for the same reason. I limit time with people who try to make me feel bad about myself or anything else, whether intentionally or not. I limit the amount of sugar I eat, and snacks, and I pay close attention to portion size. I limit alcohol and fat and cholesterol, and I pay attention to calories.

Conversely, I am mindful of replenishing what is given or taken away daily. I take vacations from work when I feel depleted. I meditate most mornings so I start my day with a calm focus. I prioritize getting enough sleep. I eat nourishing food. I exercise most days. I get a massage monthly. I journal every night before bed. I keep in touch with and spend time with friends. I drink a lot of water, cuz just like that seed, our bodies do better when they are hydrated properly. I brush my teeth and put lotion on my skin most days after my shower.

All of those things ensure that I am healthy enough and happy enough to do the things I want to do. Yes, they take time. And yes, sometimes I don’t want to bother with them, or stop eating, especially anything chocolate, and admittedly, sometimes I don’t stop when I’ve had enough, by choice, every once in a while just cuz I can.

Most of the time, though, I try to act with considered intention. I simply try to be mindful in every choice I make. I do the best I can to limit mindless consumption of anything.

This is me now. This wasn’t me 20 years ago, especially with the eating. It’s been a process, and it’s difficult to limit yourself when certain things charge up the endorphins and you feel so good. Scrolling on Facebook, or having a few drinks when you feel bad, or eating the whole chocolate cake, or spending a weekend binging a season of a show you love definitely can make you feel better momentarily if you are not feeling like you’re enough – less than – for whatever reason. I get that. I’ve lived that.

And now I’m living this, and for me, this is better, more sustainable, and more enjoyable. The thing with the scrolling, or the cake, or the beer, or the whatever you’re binging on is that it doesn’t last. You come down off that endorphin buzz and then you have to deal with the self-recrimination, cuz you know it’s not the best way to expand your choices, and that ultimately it will damage your body and your mind. You know that, regardless of how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise. You are limiting yourself by not limiting yourself from the things that are harmful to you.

Be kinder to yourself.

Put down your phone and the ice cream, and turn off the TV. Know that you are enough. You have enough. You matter and you’re worth taking care of. The world is waiting for you to share yourself. Share your voice, your vision, your unique experience of this human life. There is enough time. There is enough money, energy and love. You have it all. There is enough you. The world needs you; it needs all of us, every minute, to be fully embodying our place on this planet in this time.

We’re waiting for you. Listen to your heart. I guarantee you it isn’t telling you what you need is more NetFlix. Figure out what it is telling you and do that thing; give yourself whatever it is. Give yourself more choice. Plant a seed – start small – water it, give it room and light, feed it appropriately, and watch as you grow.

Now.

We need you.

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No limits

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2023 has been good to me. I feel lighter and everything seems a little easier. The last 3 years wrung a lot out of me, and I think that’s partly where the lightness comes from – I finally gave up a lot of expectations about work and life and relationships. I think the pandemic especially taught us all that absolutely anything can happen at any time, and the idea that we are in control of what happens is largely delusion. A useful delusion, I suppose, as it helps us keep getting up in the morning and doing what needs to be done day to day, but ultimately, when it comes to the bigger picture, it’s in our own best interest to just sit back and watch the show. Let it be.

It has taken me a long time in my life to finally really understand that, but the events of the last 3 years have convinced me. I continue to plan, but I’m much better now at letting those plans go, if necessary. (I think. 😜) So…lighter and clearer I have stepped into this new year, and so far so good. I’m excited about the future (haven’t felt that way in a loooooong time), and I’m thinking about this year and what I have yet to accomplish before retirement, and then after retirement–what is it I really want to do?

So many things!

I’ve also been spending a fair amount of time thinking about WHO I AM, and why I think I’m here on this spinning blue beauty. As part of an online thing I did last fall, I participated in a guided meditation in which I journeyed to a garden, and in the garden was a wise woman waiting for me. I asked her what I needed to know, and she said, “Trust your heart.”

TRUST. YOUR. HEART.

You mean I get to listen to my own feelings/ideas about what I want and how I should live? Really? What I love matters? Can that possibly be true? Yes, well, I already knew that, I think, and in some ways I have lived it, but a reminder is helpful, especially when you are really ready to HEAR what someone/the universe/your life is trying to tell you. So, since then, I’m getting this message EVERYWHERE, of course, and it’s making its way through the mush in my brain and working hard on chipping away the debris that still exists in my heart from childhood and earlier life (despite years of therapy that got rid a lot of that crap).

No joke – I was diagnosed with mild arterial sclerosis a few years ago. My heart was hardening, quite literally. A very powerful metaphor. Another powerful metaphor: the doc discovered something was amiss because she heard a heart murmur. My heart was speaking to me, letting me know that it was in big trouble and I wasn’t listening! Yikes! So I’ve been diligent about limiting cholesterol and sugar, etc., and continuing with all of the other “good health” stuff I’ve been doing for several years now. I intend to live a very long time. I have to confess, though, that I didn’t recognize the metaphor or the spiritual/emotional “threat” until recently. I can be incredibly dense at times, I tell you.

So. Trust your heart. How do you do that? Intuition, my child, intuition. Listen for it, act on it. Trust it. I’m highly intuitive – always have been – but at some point, I decided someone else’s voice was more important than my own inner voice. My mother’s, mainly, for most of my life, but other people’s and society’s voice occasionally, also. I realize now that I never really believed that what I wanted was okay. I never thought that I could know what was best for me. I have always felt a little like an outlaw when I didn’t follow THE RULES, and certainly, when I was a child and didn’t do or couldn’t be what my mother wanted, I was judged harshly, and received the silent treatment or actual punishment until I changed my mind and/or behavior. I had a lot of practice using my intuition to figure out what other people wanted from me; none at all at listening to what it was trying to tell me about who I am or what I wanted.

Even then, I marched to my own drummer on some things and on others I listened to what society (and my mother) had to say. I went to college because I wanted to, but the major I chose was not what I wanted. I didn’t want children, and I was pretty clear about that, but I also didn’t really want to be married. I figured for a long time, though, that I had best try to find a “suitable” mate, cuz that was what I was supposed to want, and I put myself and quite a few men through hell until I finally came to terms with my reluctance to compromise/commit. Really what I wanted was to be FREE. From everything, really. I have achieved that in many ways, that is, I have achieved freedom from most of society’s constraints because I did listen to my intuition when it mattered, and said “NO!” when I absolutely could not compromise or pull off whatever it was that was being asked of me without wanting to curl up and die.

Mostly.

I didn’t achieve total freedom, and that brings me to the answer to the rest of my question: Who am I and what is my purpose in this life? When I look back, I realize that I’ve been serving, certainly all of my adult life, but also as a child, and that has been my role.

I have worked in service jobs, including serving in restaurants, as a Customer Service Representative for a large manufacturing company, and in my own business providing services to small businesses. The position I’ve held at Acme Health Services the last 22 years serves the greater community.

Most importantly, though, for all of my life and continuing now, I have served my family. When I think about all the trouble the universe went to in ensuring that I grew up in this particular family, with its particular dynamics and issues, I know that it was no accident. I’ve thought that for a long time, but I have struggled with resentment in that role for most of my life.

In the last couple of years I’ve been thinking of it differently, and that’s a relief. Resentment is insidious and just eats you up from the inside out. I like serving, as it turns out. I value being of use, and feeling like I’ve made a difference. In many ways, it is a fundamental part of who I am and who I always was and I feel good about that.

I was still getting hung up on the issue of time, however. The lack of time for some of the things that matter to me was a result of the role I’m playing in my mother’s life, in addition to working full-time. I’ve been working on that with mom, ascertaining her expectations versus her actual needs, and my supervisor has helped me adjust my work schedule so that I have some time to myself a few days a week. Both of those things have helped so much, and I feel so much lighter and freer!

Instead of being a super-caregiver and super-employee, I’ve been honest about expressing my limitations and needs recently and it has changed everything. Imagine that. Who knew? I’ve been listening to my intuition and trusting my feelings and making changes that support me and the life I want going forward. I’ve been asking myself “What do you really want?” before making decisions, and listening to the answers. Most importantly, I’ve been giving myself permission to show up in each moment exactly as I am; not pretending to want what I don’t or pretending that I don’t know what I want.

Game-changer!

I don’t want to work anymore, so I’m retiring. I miss my house and I want to live there again someday, so I’m sprucing it up and preparing for that, and in the meantime I’m spending more time there. There are other things, but those are the two “biggies,” that have made a huge difference in my outlook the last couple of months. I’m reaching (stretching) for increased freedom in all areas of my life, and I’ve no doubt that what I’m envisioning will come to pass sooner rather than later. I aim to find out where the limits are and go beyond them if I’m able and if I choose to. One thing at a time, one day at a time. From now on, as long as it’s legal and doesn’t harm another, the only opinion on how I live my life that matters is mine!

Hallelujah!