Friday's Child Redux

The last week has been tricky. Ups and downs – mostly downs – like a demonic roller coaster ride. I don’t like roller coasters. Merry-Go-Rounds are more my thing. Up and down, all around, slow and steady. No sudden movement. Life isn’t a county fair or an amusement park, though, is it? We don’t get to choose the rides we end up on. Right?

Right.

There is only what is, and when “what is” is challenging, we have two choices: 1) give up, or 2) get through. My first inclination, if I’m honest, is always to give up, but that doesn’t usually last too long anymore. I throw a tantrum, eat some chocolate, and then I’m good. Ready to get up and do what needs to be done, in the words of Garrison Keillor.

Late last week I had a lovely lunch with a friend at a new restaurant, which i didn’t think I would like, but that turned out to be very good. I hadn’t seen her in a long time and we had a nice chat and a lovely time. I was really feeling great, for the first time in a while. (It was a long winter.) I decided to run up to the store to pick up a couple of things before going home, and I made it there okay, but trying to leave the parking lot after shopping didn’t work out as planned. The front right wheel almost came off and my car was not going anywhere anytime soon. Ball joint? Axel rod? Ah, so that’s what the clanking noise was for the past couple of weeks. Who knew?

The tow guy was kind and helpful and I got my wounded baby to a garage, and it’s been sitting there since. They called early this week. It will be fixed by the end of the week, and will cost more than my monthly Social Security check. Yikes! The car is 15 years old, so this is not a huge surprise, but it was not what I was expecting for that day or that money.

So that was the biggest down, for sure, but there have been others, sort of stacking up lately:

1. I can’t get my tax refund from the state, even though I’ve provided all the additional documentation they requested. I went through this last year with mom’s refund, and she didn’t get it until August. Ugh!
2. I lost my driver’s license, so have been waiting for it to be replaced.
3. The critter in the wall at mom’s house is back. I guess because it’s been cold and rainy. I don’t blame it for revisiting winter digs, I guess. It drives Grace (cat) crazy, though, and it’s loud, and I don’t think it’s doing any damage, but I can’t be sure. So I worry, and I just wish it would leave. I’m hoping it will this weekend when the forecast says Spring will come back. We’ll see.
4. The new administrator for my HCSP has rejected every transaction I’ve submitted so far. I called the first time and they told me what the problem was, so on the last 2 transactions, I provided all the docs they said they needed (EOB, etc) and they still rejected them. So frustrating, and I’ll have to call again, and that just makes me want to scream.
5. I got sick a few days ago. I NEVER get sick. This crud really laid me low though, and I had to cancel plans with friends that I was looking forward to, cuz I felt crappy and I wasn’t sure I wasn’t contagious.
6. I planted a bunch of bulbs last fall, and have been looking forward to crocuses and tulips all winter. They started to come up a couple of weeks ago, and the bunnies ate every single plant. Not fair!
7. I think my beautiful hydrangea may not have survived the winter this year. We had a lot more snow than normal and it was brutally cold for a long time, so she may have succumbed. No sign of leaves yet, and there should be. Fingers crossed that she’s just taking her sweet time this year, and that she’ll be okay.

So that’s just the past couple of weeks. Don’t get me started about this past winter, which nearly did me in. The “again-ness” of life is just frustrating. The problems that defy permanent solutions. Same stuff, different day. It is demoralizing, and it gets me down now and again.

But even last winter there was good in the end – on the two heaviest snow days we had, the second one of which was 26″ of the white stuff in 36 hours in mid-March – my next door neighbor cleared the driveway at my little house with his snowblower, so that when I pulled up, expecting to shovel for hours, I was able to just pull in the driveway. Amazing! Also, our neighbor at mom’s house, who plows her drive for free, kept us in the clear all winter.

When I remember to look for the good, there is always some to be found. When I was sitting in my wounded car in the Family Fare parking lot last week, SO MANY people stopped to ask if they could help, or if I needed a ride. Some told me about their similar experience, including a couple guys who had the same thing happen while they were on the highway at 60 mph. Yikes! Of course, I was lucky that hadn’t happened to me. Really lucky.

The tow truck driver had originally said it would be at least 2 hours, but showed up within 45 minutes, and was kind and helpful and made me laugh. The garage I had to take it to cuz my regular place was booked solid for the next week, were also kind, informative, and helpful, even though I had never been there before. When my neighbors realized my car wasn’t in the drive, they texted me to offer rides to anywhere I needed to go until I get it back. In reality, though, my town is so small that I’m able to walk anywhere I need to go within 30 minutes, including my little house.

Being sick forced me to slow down and be easy on myself. I slept A LOT. I’m still a little sniffly, but so MUCH better. My replacement driver’s license showed up in the mail Tuesday. I have bunnies, That’s a good thing. They have lived under the big cedar tree in the back yard forever, and I love them. I can’t begrudge them a few snacks. Next year I’ll put up a little fence. So, disappointed, but it’s okay, and there’s a remedy. That’s the way with so many things, isn’t it? The other things will work out sooner or later, too.

I know that, cuz that’s what always happens. Always. There will be new things, but these particular things will all work out, for better or worse, and I will move on to something else, good or bad, or both.

Waiting is hard, but it’s life. So are the ups and downs. I wrote in my journal recently that I just want everything to be okay all the time. Then I laughed and laughed! Of course I can hope for that, but it will NEVER happen, and ultimately, it is my expectation that it should, that sets me up for disappointment.

In reality, I’m very lucky, and I realize that when I’m thinking clearly, which gratefully, is most of the time. Not so when I was younger, but age brings perspective and it has changed me in many good ways (in addition to some of the not-so-great ways. LOL!) The weather in northern Michigan is tough at times, but we don’t have hurricanes or tornados or tidal waves, or snakes, or spiders that can kill you with one bite. Some places do and people suffer.

We had flooding here this Spring that made life pretty difficult and expensive for many people. Not us. We were high and dry. Plenty of people struggle with illness, and I have been spared that so far, for the most part. I have good friends and neighbors. Some people are completely alone. I understand completely that the things I struggle with are very low on the human suffering continuum, but still I try to be forgiving of myself and compassionate to others I encounter who are struggling with something. We’re all entitled to our feelings, and our pain. Life is difficult in some way for everyone.

I remember my therapist asking me one time, years ago, who I wanted to trade problems/complaints with. She made her point–I’ll stick with my own, thank you. I have a magnet on my fridge that says, “Thanks Whatever Doesn’t Kill Me, I’m strong enough now.” Ha! I would have everything be okay all the time if I had the opportunity to choose that, but that’s just not the way this human life thing works. There is only one choice, and that is to just keep going. no matter what.

PS – while I was writing this, my refund was deposited in my bank account. 🙂 Also, the garage called again yesterday morning and told me that they discovered something else and that fixing that will be an additional $1000. 😦

Life! The roller coaster continues!

It’s all good.