Author: wsquared

Saving the day

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There once was a woman named Jane,
Who thought getting up was a pain.

And then it got worse!
A person averse
To time as we knew it,
plotted to screw it!

Spring forward! they said,
It’ll be loads of fun,
The days will be longer,
We’ll get lots more done!

Of losing an hour they thought we’d agree
It was worth it and so they made the decree,
About being sleepy and cranky and such,
Nobody thought we’d care all that much.

They forget about Jane,
Who was slightly insane,
And needed to sleep,
To rest her brain.

And when she found out about the lost hour,
she went on a rampage and feeling quite dour,
she put out a call to all who would hear;
To all fellow sleepyheads far and near.

For death and destruction to all those who say.
Daylight Savings is best! A much longer day!
She didn’t Spring forward, our heroine Jane,
She let out a scream, wailing in pain,

When the bell went off an hour early,
And when she got up she was certainly surly.
She went to the drawer and rooted around
Until what she sought was finally found.

And once in hand, the hammer she swung
Against the alarm which had rudely rung,
And ruined her slumber and made her so mad!
And when she was done she didn’t feel bad.

She got back in bed and snuggled in good,
And realized now that really she could
Sleep as long as she wanted, saving the day,
How it should be, this day, her way.

You can’t save time, it doesn’t work!
She said to herself with a impudent smirk.
It has its own plan and it doesn’t care
What we all think or what we will dare.

Like fooling with time and losing an hour–
Who are we to have that power?
Not me, she said, and pulled up the spread,
Fluffed her pillow and snoozed instead.

Transitions

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There is some spring-ish weather forecast for the end of the week — 52° F on Thursday, oh my! — but it’s snowing today, and I’ll have to shovel the driveway this afternoon so I can get out and go to work in the morning, in the dark, thanks to Daylight Savings Time.

Yee. Ha.

I love Spring, but the transition is hard, what with the industrial strength mud and ice and rain, rain, rain. Winter doesn’t give up easily, so I’m not too excited,,,yet. Last year the worst storm we had all season came in April — two feet of icy snow the consistency of sand that defied shoveling and nearly did me in.

So, though I feel almost desperate for Spring, as I do every year at this time, I know it ain’t over yet. It’ll take a while for all this snow and ice to melt, and it’ll be 2 months or more before the temperature will be above 50° with any regularity, at least 4 months, maybe 5, before I’ll be experiencing one of my favorite so-hot-I can’t-breathe-properly bike rides on the trail by the lake.

I’ll bundle up and get out for short rides on those 50° days, and I’ll enjoy them, but there will be a part of my brain, as always, that is cursing the cold, and asking myself why on earth I don’t live somewhere warmer. The answer to that question is simple – cuz my mother won’t leave this place and I won’t leave her.

Still I ask it, and 100 other questions over and over. They all start with Why, not who or what or how, cuz those are all “doing” words, and I’m limited — by many factors, not just my mother — in the amount I can do to change anything in my life right now, but I think about what I would change all the time.

I try not to — I want to be in the moment, accepting what is — but I forget, and before I know it my mind has fast-forwarded to 5 years from now and what I think I’ll be doing and where I think I’ll be doing it. That is, unfortunately, where I seem to be happiest lately — in the future.

This is an improvement over years past, when what I thought I wanted most was not to be somewhere else, or doing something else, but to be someone else. That is painful beyond measure, and I’m so grateful for the drugs, therapy and time that eased that burden finally.

I’m sitting here now, typing this, watching the snow fall out the window in the hall, and I realize that when I can just get back to the gratitude, that’s where all the answers to those why questions are. There is finally peace in just letting it all be, and allowing the gratitude and relief I feel for simply being able to experience life fully, on any terms, to fill my heart. It is in gratitude that I find happiness and contentedness with what is, and where I am and who I am.

Honestly, I find it hard to be grateful for snow, or winter in general, or losing an hour of sleep. If that’s the price of admission, though, I’ll pay it. If I can find happiness in shoveling the drive for the 50th time this winter, then, man, I’ve got it knocked! It’s there if I look hard enough: I am alive, and healthy enough to shovel my own driveway. I have a house and a car that necessitates a driveway, and a job that requires me to keep it clear of snow.

Not everyone is that lucky. Really, I don’t need to go much further that the first one, do I? I am alive. That in itself is a gift — this life — and I honor it by showing up and fully giving myself to every minute of it.

What more could I possibly need?

Still hoping Spring comes quickly, though! What does your forecast look like?

The real deal

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I’m tired. My heart hurts all the time lately, and I don’t know whether that’s anxiety or something more deadly, and it scares me, but I don’t know what to do about it. Most days my stress level is through the roof, and I’m sure my blood pressure is higher than my doctor would like it to be, but I don’t know what to do about that, either. I go to the gym, I get plenty of exercise, I watch what I eat, I do all I can to take care of myself. There just isn’t much time and there’s so much to do and to worry about. There is so much that is just not the way I would like it to be.

Stress at work, stress at home. Even the weather is stressful. Winter just won’t quit, and I’m worried about the snow on the roof, keeping the driveways at both houses open, and about possibly losing power this weekend in the predicted ice storm and what I’m going to do with my mom if that happens.

There is no time at which I feel on top of things; no time that I can take a deep breath and just be. I try so hard to embrace it all, to let it all be what it is and be okay with what it is; to keep my mind and my heart open and present in each moment. Sometimes, though, even that is stressful. I find myself thinking ahead or worrying about something in the future and I think Damn! I blew it!

Lately, it’s when I start feeling sorry for myself, and/or beating myself up for not being who I want to be in every moment, that the alarms start to go off. Thank goodness. I didn’t have those limits when I was younger; those red flags that tell me now that I’m headed for trouble, that I’m overwhelmed and sliding down the slope straight into the abysss.

Yesterday I heard the alarms, saw the red flags, and instead of ignoring it all and trying to soldier on, I said wait a minute. What do I need? I sat still and listened, and the answer was: TIME. So I took the afternoon off from work, and got a couple of big things done at home, and I felt better about the weekend and the resulting shorter list of things to do, and less overwhelmed in general, thanks to my decision to take a few hours’ vacation time.

I was not a wife or a mother when I was younger, so I get that I’ve been lucky that my time was mine mostly for the largest part of my adult life. I really try to avoid feeling sorry for myself or heeding the siren call of resentment telling me that it’s not fair that this is the way my life is now.

Of course it’s fair, and more than that, it simply is what is. Never in my life have I been clearer about what I was doing and why I was doing it. Living with and caring for my mother at the end of her life has been the hardest, but best part of my life in many ways. Despite the fact that much of the time lately it feels like it might be the end of my life, too, I know that it is the right thing to do, and the best use of my time and energy right now.

I hope it’s not the end of my life, but if it is, at least I know my life will not have been wasted. Major karma between me and my mom, and I feel confident that we’ve cleared that up, and beyond that, honestly, what else do I have to show for 57 years on this planet? Nada, zip, zilch, zero. I was too caught up in faulty brain chemistry to contribute much for most of my adult life. I was becoming who I needed to be now, I guess, and I take comfort in knowing that I made it. If nothing else I was able to take care of myself and stay alive long enough to be able to take care of someone else and for me, that’s enough.

So my challenge is just to maintain my health; manage the stress as best I can, continue to do the things I know I need to do – the gym, eating properly, getting as much sleep as possible – and just keep going. Keep listening for the alarms, and watch for the red flags. Put my needs first when I need to. Meditate. Practice mindfulness as much as I can remember to. Acknowledge my gratitude as often as I can remember to.

I’ve come across several articles and blogs this week about self-care. It’s on all of our minds, whatever path we’re currently on. But writing about it, reading about it, or talking about it is not the same as doing it. Taking the afternoon off yesterday was the real thing, and it made all the difference.

What do you need right now? Listen to your heart. What is it telling you?

The Thing Is

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The Thing Is
by Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

“The Thing Is” by Ellen Bass, from Mules of Love. © BOA Editions, Ltd., 2002.

That is the thing, isn’t it? The secret, the very essence of this human life. The moment of your resurrection: To love life even when you have no stomach for it.

To say: I will love you, again.

Life is so hard and it breaks us over and over again, but we forgive and go on. Despite the mind-numbing weight of disappointment and grief for all we will never have and all we will never be.

I will take you, life, I will love you, again. It’s the again that causes my breath to catch in my chest. Yes. Again. I will get up after falling, after being brought to my knees by the crushing weight, and I will keep going. Again.

And again.

As many times as it takes until life is finished with me. It’s the again that matters. We all love life when things are going well; when everything makes sense and you feel like you finally understand and have some aptitude for getting along day by day. That’s the easy part. That’s the part where every gift is wrapped in gratitude and joy fills every fiber of your being.

Then there are the other parts. The times when it doesn’t seem possible to bear another day, another moment, another second of the pain and the slippery, twisty, unapologetic weight of ALL THAT IS WRONG. In your life, in the life of someone you love, of someone you just met or don’t know at all. Sometimes all that anguish just penetrates your skin and inhabits every cell and you stumble. You are unable to carry your heavy heart – the burden of the obesity of grief – another step. The harsh blows life deals all of us cast you to the ground and bruise your soul so deeply you don’t think you will ever rise again.

But you do. It takes time for the bruises to heal and the pain to subside, but you rise slowly, gingerly, carefully cradling your tender heart, and you go on. And in doing so you say to life, Yes, I will love you again.

You forgive life, other people, and yourself and you go on. Maybe you can set the weight aside for a while, maybe leave it behind completely, or maybe you’re still carrying it and it tires you, but you go on. You keep trying. You keep doing. You keep giving.

You offer life what’s within you – all that’s yours to give, all that you brought with you in the hope that it will be of use, be valued, be loved. Sometimes your gifts are welcomed and your dreams are realized; more often they are thrown back in your face in a most devastating way.

You rail against the rejection, the loss, the pain of being tossed aside, of being dismissed by life so casually. You close up like a flower in winter, gathering in your soft petals and tucking them deep inside your center, waiting for the return of Spring, when you will once again risk everything and bloom.

Until then, you wait. Nurture your roots in the darkness and repair the damage to your battered heart. Because you know:

forgiveness
renewal
gratitude

will come again and you will say to your love, this life, I will take you.

Again.

Because that’s the contract. That’s the deal. What we signed up for. No good without bad, no happiness without sorrow, no gain without loss, and no renewal without death.

No courage without vulnerability.

No love without forgiveness.

No life without love.

When I am Queen

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1. People who take their children to the grocery store and let them run around, driving everyone in the grocery store except the parent crazy, will in future, be under house arrest until the children are 21 or until death, whichever comes first.

2. People at work who take the last drop of coffee or hot water from the pot and then leave the pot on the counter next to the coffee machine, thinking maybe that the coffee will magically regenerate itself, will be strung up and beaten.

3. People who do not drive at least the speed limit on a two-lane royal highway on a perfectly nice, sunny, dry day, will be arrested and forced to watch paint dry in a tiny airless room for a period of at least 10 years.

4. People who whine will be slapped. Repeatedly.

5. Justin Bieber, Meghan Markle, and anyone with the last name “Kardashian,” will not be allowed to live in the kingdom, or speak to anyone in it. Any and all record of their existences will be expunged, and any attempt to enter the kingdom or communicate with anyone in the kingdom, especially, but not limited to, those with access to the media, will be met with severe penalty.

6. The national anthem will be Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy, and the national symbols will be Ren and Stimpy. Codicil to the above: People who complain about the national anthem or the national symbols will be executed without trial.

7. People who call the Queen before 8 a.m. on a Saturday, thus waking Her Royal Highness and making her unhappy, and then further distress the royal personage by NOT LEAVING A VOICEMAIL, will be forced to endure unspeakable cruelty at the hands of the Queen’s meanest minions for a period to be determined by the Queen’s mood day-to-day.

8. People who blather on endlessly about their Spring Break vacations to the Queen and others who are not taking one, will be banished from the kingdom.

9. People who go to other interesting kingdoms and can’t be bothered to take two minutes to send the Queen a postcard will find it difficult to return to the kingdom wihout penalty.

10. No work of any kind will be allowed in the kingdom on sunny days. Anyone who attempts to force the Queen or any of her subjects to work on a sunny day will be chained to the back of an angry elephant for the rest of their lives, which consequently would most likely be short due to the painful internal bleeding.

11. People who do not work will not be allowed use of the royal roadways during daylight hours.

12. Senior members of the kingdom must be respected and treated kindly and generously at all times by younger subjects; however, a chauffeur will be provided for any elder whose conduct on the royal roadways strikes fear into the hearts of other drivers. Codicil to number 12: Likewise, any elder citizen unable to exceed 15 mph on royal highways will be subject to the chauffeur rule.

13. Rain will be tolerated only after dark. Snow will not be tolerated at all.

14. Employers in the kingdom are required to provide all employees with a minimum of 12 weeks’ paid vacation, and a minimum wage that allows for dinner out at least twice a week in addition to all other regular expenses.

15. People who call the Queen’s place of work when the Queen is responsible for the phone, and give the Queen a hard time because of something that is entirely not the Queen’s fault, or area of responsibility, will be denied phone privileges FOREVER.

16. In fact, telephones are hereby prohibited anywhere in the kingdom. The approved method of communication from here on out will be e-mail or text, which is quieter, and far less fascist than the telephone.

17. Temperatures below 50 degrees will not be tolerated outside, and 70 degrees will from here on be the minimum inside temperature for any building wishing to host the Queen.

18. Cats who wake the Queen prior to sunrise will be removed from the royal chamber unceremoniously, and can just forget about any more poisson de mer treats.

19. Drivers who fail to use their blinkers, so that other drivers (including and especially the Queen), have to wait forever to pull out, only to realize that all that time had been wasted because the car they’ve been waiting for intended to turn all along, but DIDN’T USE THE BLINKER, will be subjected to no less than 14 years hard, very hard, especially hard labor.

20. The only recognized and celebrated holidays will be: Thanksgiving and St. Patrick’s Day and all birthdays; with the Queen’s birthday being a mandatory paid holiday for all employees in the kingdom.

21. Unkind words will cost the speaker $100 and a small piece of tongue each.

22. Housework has been deemed tedious, unpleasant, and utterly pointless and will therefore be banned from here on forth.

23. Children will not be allowed in public until their parents grow up.

24. People who take themselves too seriously, and/or otherwise possess no sense of humor will be unceremoniously removed and forever banned from re-entering from the kingdom, until they get a fecking clue.

It has been decreed, and so it shall be.