When I am Queen


1. People who take their children to the grocery store and let them run around, driving everyone in the grocery store except the parent crazy, will in future, be under house arrest until the children are 21 or until death, whichever comes first.

2. People at work who take the last drop of coffee or hot water from the pot and then leave the pot on the counter next to the coffee machine, thinking maybe that the coffee will magically regenerate itself, will be strung up and beaten.

3. People who do not drive at least the speed limit on a two-lane royal highway on a perfectly nice, sunny, dry day, will be arrested and forced to watch paint dry in a tiny airless room for a period of at least 10 years.

4. People who whine will be slapped. Repeatedly.

5. Justin Bieber, Meghan Markle, and anyone with the last name “Kardashian,” will not be allowed to live in the kingdom, or speak to anyone in it. Any and all record of their existences will be expunged, and any attempt to enter the kingdom or communicate with anyone in the kingdom, especially, but not limited to, those with access to the media, will be met with severe penalty.

6. The national anthem will be Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy, and the national symbols will be Ren and Stimpy. Codicil to the above: People who complain about the national anthem or the national symbols will be executed without trial.

7. People who call the Queen before 8 a.m. on a Saturday, thus waking Her Royal Highness and making her unhappy, and then further distress the royal personage by NOT LEAVING A VOICEMAIL, will be forced to endure unspeakable cruelty at the hands of the Queen’s meanest minions for a period to be determined by the Queen’s mood day-to-day.

8. People who blather on endlessly about their Spring Break vacations to the Queen and others who are not taking one, will be banished from the kingdom.

9. People who go to other interesting kingdoms and can’t be bothered to take two minutes to send the Queen a postcard will find it difficult to return to the kingdom wihout penalty.

10. No work of any kind will be allowed in the kingdom on sunny days. Anyone who attempts to force the Queen or any of her subjects to work on a sunny day will be chained to the back of an angry elephant for the rest of their lives, which consequently would most likely be short due to the painful internal bleeding.

11. People who do not work will not be allowed use of the royal roadways during daylight hours.

12. Senior members of the kingdom must be respected and treated kindly and generously at all times by younger subjects; however, a chauffeur will be provided for any elder whose conduct on the royal roadways strikes fear into the hearts of other drivers. Codicil to number 12: Likewise, any elder citizen unable to exceed 15 mph on royal highways will be subject to the chauffeur rule.

13. Rain will be tolerated only after dark. Snow will not be tolerated at all.

14. Employers in the kingdom are required to provide all employees with a minimum of 12 weeks’ paid vacation, and a minimum wage that allows for dinner out at least twice a week in addition to all other regular expenses.

15. People who call the Queen’s place of work when the Queen is responsible for the phone, and give the Queen a hard time because of something that is entirely not the Queen’s fault, or area of responsibility, will be denied phone privileges FOREVER.

16. In fact, telephones are hereby prohibited anywhere in the kingdom. The approved method of communication from here on out will be e-mail or text, which is quieter, and far less fascist than the telephone.

17. Temperatures below 50 degrees will not be tolerated outside, and 70 degrees will from here on be the minimum inside temperature for any building wishing to host the Queen.

18. Cats who wake the Queen prior to sunrise will be removed from the royal chamber unceremoniously, and can just forget about any more poisson de mer treats.

19. Drivers who fail to use their blinkers, so that other drivers (including and especially the Queen), have to wait forever to pull out, only to realize that all that time had been wasted because the car they’ve been waiting for intended to turn all along, but DIDN’T USE THE BLINKER, will be subjected to no less than 14 years hard, very hard, especially hard labor.

20. The only recognized and celebrated holidays will be: Thanksgiving and St. Patrick’s Day and all birthdays; with the Queen’s birthday being a mandatory paid holiday for all employees in the kingdom.

21. Unkind words will cost the speaker $100 and a small piece of tongue each.

22. Housework has been deemed tedious, unpleasant, and utterly pointless and will therefore be banned from here on forth.

23. Children will not be allowed in public until their parents grow up.

24. People who take themselves too seriously, and/or otherwise possess no sense of humor will be unceremoniously removed and forever banned from re-entering from the kingdom, until they get a fecking clue.

It has been decreed, and so it shall be.

3 thoughts on “When I am Queen

  1. Literary Remains March 5, 2019 / 8:45 am

    ROFLMAO!!! Hail to the Queen!

    I especially liked: “4. People who whine will be slapped. Repeatedly.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dave Young August 1, 2021 / 12:28 am

    6, 9 12, 23 and probably more!

    Liked by 1 person

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