Too much for too long.

The weather looks like it’s going to get better, and that is something to be celebrated! My little tourist town is filling up and traffic is a problem, and that is not anything to celebrate, as far as I’m concerned, but it is a fact of life here, and I’m probably in the minority with that attitude. Whatever. It’s not worth worrying about.

I irritated my knee doing some yard work a couple of weeks ago, and it’s not getting over it very quickly. Kind of like me in that regard. I can hold a grudge for a while, too. LOL! Less now than when I was younger, though. Few things matter enough to me to get my blood pressure up these days.

So I’m kind of limping around, and waiting for it to get over itself. It will, given time, like everything else. The Spring yard work that caused the problem is finished, and I haven’t felt like riding my bike. My knee reminds me every minute that I’m not as young as I used to be and I’m not in the good shape I was when I was younger. Not even as good as last year, unfortunately.

I’ve struggled with depression most of my life, and these last few months I’ve been struggling again. I know how to get through it, and like my knee, I know I just have to wait it out. This one has been hanging on pretty good since early February, but it too shall pass. It just is what it is, and I’ll get through it.

I have learned in 50 years of down times like these not to blow up my life, even though I may want to, by making a dramatic change that I will regret when it’s over, but it does put my regular habits on hold for a while. Like exercising, or eating properly, or keeping up with things in general. I just don’t care, and I don’t have much energy, so most of the things I do when I’m “normal,” don’t happen when I’m dealing with faulty brain chemistry.

For the most part, no one knows when these times come and go. I’m good at hiding it when I have to, though it takes a lot of energy. I’ve had a lot of practice, and I know no one wants to deal with it, so it’s really the only option. Mostly, no one keeps tabs on me now, so it’s not that hard generally to disappear for a while and wait it out. It was harder when I was working, but now I can go weeks or even months without having contact with anyone, aside from my mother, and I’m a pro at hiding it from her.

I took meds for several years and I’ve had therapy, and both of those things helped a lot. I don’t go through it as often as I did before those interventions, but it still shows up every now and again in the last few years. Too much for too long. That’s it usually. It builds up. The depression was bound to come back sooner or later and as often happens, it held off this time until a period of relative calm.

Whatever.

It comes, it goes. It’s a part of my life. Everyone has something they carry, and as weights in this life go, this one has been manageable, and I’m grateful for that. It has limited my life in several ways as the years have gone on, and I accept that. I take it as a signal that I need rest, and that’s mostly what I do.

Everyone has something. I’ve survived 50 years of depression, and I hope to survive many more, with or without it. If I were a better writer, perhaps I could have gotten rich writing books about it like Jenny Lawson, but that was not my path.

I’m just one person, trying to get along in this life bearing my burdens with grace, like everybody else. It could have been better. It could have been worse. It just is what it is, and I’m still here. Nursing my knee, taking it slow.

It’s all good.