I have chosen the circumstances of my life. I’m comfortable with who I am. I’m not perfect, but I’m not a horrible person, and I do the best I can. I used to believe that everyone did, and for the most part, I think that’s true still. Our current president in this country, and his staff have convinced me, however, that it’s not true of everyone. Some people are horrible just because they can be, and that’s sad, but it doesn’t really have anything to do with me.

I’m only ultimately responsible for myself. I’m also responsible for 2 cats, because I have forced them to live with me and have denied them the opportunity to fend for themselves in the world. My guess is that they’re okay with that – they’re both pretty fond of treats and a cushy place to sleep.

I’m responsible for my mother’s care now, and have been for a while.

I’m not responsible for the kind of person she is or the things she does or the decisions she has made or the ones she makes now. I was never responsible, nor am I now, for her happiness. It took me a long time, and a lot of therapy to understand that. I’m not convinced that she understands that, but I do, and so we’re okay.

She’s not the same person she was when I was growing up, and for the most part we get along pretty well now. She has lived a lot longer than I ever dreamed she would when I decided to fill this role 14 years ago, but life is always surprising and that’s a good thing. If I had known I was in for this long haul, I probably wouldn’t have consented to take it on, and that would have been a mistake. I mostly don’t pay much attention now when she tells me what she thinks I should do, but every once and a while I’m 6 years old again and want to make everything okay for her so that I can be okay.

Wednesday was that kind of a day. She talked me into doing something that turned out to be a very bad decision, and I was lucky to return to my 64 year old self in time to un-make it.

On Wednesday, I made an appointment for Clare, one of my cats, to be euthanized today at noon.

She’s been having some trouble lately, behaving unlike the sweet little girl we have known, and it was upsetting mom. She had told me several times in the last couple of months that she thought Clare was miserable and that I should have her “put to sleep,” (stupid euphemism for killing an animal, which I’ve never liked) and I very clearly told her every time that her behavior was admittedly annoying, but that in no way is she miserable, and that I had no intention of killing her for being annoying. She is not ill, and for the most part she is just fine, though I will admit, her personality has changed and she is no longer the cat I’ve known for 15 years all the time anymore, but different is not “bad.” She is not miserable. She is not suffering. There is no reason to even be considering euthanasia at this time.

Wednesday when I got home, however, mom was miserable. She was very upset about Clare that morning, and I was overwhelmed with other things that are going on, and I just wanted life to be easier. In that moment, I called the mobile vet and made the appointment.

Yesterday, I came to my senses and changed the appointment into a check-up to see if there’s something we can do to support Clare as she ages. I had a long talk with mom about dealing with the behavior that she finds so objectionable, and made it clear that it was her problem, not mine, or Clare’s, to solve. She agreed. I made the argument that she is annoying, too, but that I’m not considering having her killed. We laughed, and all was well in our world again.

She won’t remember our talk, and we’ll have to have the conversation over and over for the rest of Clare’s (or mom’s) life, but my priorities are clear to me again, and this has served as a good reminder of how easily mom can manipulate me, no matter how old I am or how many years of therapy I had. I’m disappointed that I fell into that old conditioned response to a very familiar scenario (Something’s wrong with mom! Oh no! What can I do to fix it/make her happy/make her love me?), but I forgive myself.

All of my selves, including the 6 year old and the 64 year old and all the other ages in between.

So tomorrow we’ll meet the mobile vet (wonderfully convenient) and talk about ways we can help my sweet little girl be more comfortable and happy, and then we will go on with our lives.

All of us. All of our complicated, wonderful lives.

🐈‍⬛

Sunday I left for what I imagined would be a wonderful long bike ride on a sunny and hot northern Michigan afternoon. Two miles in, I rode through a pothole (was not looking at the road) and just like that, the ride was over. Both tires were blown. I changed the tube in the rear and thought I was good to go on, and then I realized the front was a goner, too. I only carry one spare tube, and it was too hot, and by the time I had changed the rear tube, too late, to find the puncture and patch the front tube.

Rats. I was really looking forward to that ride! I admitted defeat and started walking home. So a great ride on a really nice day turned into a pleasant walk on a really nice day. As I was walking I was thinking about my post last week. Did I say something silly like I thought adversity was a good thing? LOL! Yeah, I did, and it’s also Mercury Retrograde (iykyk), so I guess I had to put my theory to the test that day.

I did, and it stood up. I didn’t rail at the universe. I didn’t feel cursed or that it was unfair, nor did I run through any of my other usual “poor little ‘ol me” mental scripts. I simply walked home, in the sunshine, and felt lucky that I was only 2 miles out and not 10 miles out. I also gently reminded myself that it’s important to watch where I’m going. 🤪

Always.

It was not the first time I’d had a flat, and actually, not even the first time I’d had to deal with both tires being punctured. It’s not a common occurrence, thankfully, but it’s always a possibility when traveling along on something as vulnerable as 2 slim pieces of rubber. Cycling is like everything else in life – mostly it’s a lot of fun and very satisfying, and sometimes your ride is cancelled by a flat tire (or two), and you have to deal with something you hadn’t planned on.

I changed the tube in the front on Monday, so all set to go next time. There were lawns to mow, groceries to get, laundry to do, and, interestingly enough, (and sad), wildfires in Canada blowing smoke at us this week, though, so no ride until tomorrow, but that’s okay, too. All that stuff is important. It’s all a part of my life – the chores and the fun – and that is as it should be.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, but the reverse is also true: All play and no work makes Jack insufferable. 😉

Mostly I feel lucky that I’m still able to do all that needs to be done without help, and to be able to ride my bike as I have for the last 35 or so years, without modification. Mercury Retrograde will be over next week, and the smoke will clear, and we will be left with our beautiful Michigan summer, that has turned out to be just the kind of summer I love. I’m so glad the earlier forecasts were wrong. It took a while to get started, but it’s here now, and I’m loving every minute of it.

Wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, I hope you’re enjoying every minute, too.

❤️

Summertime and the livin’ is easy. The weather has been beautiful in my little corner of the world the last few days, and I’ve been riding and hanging out in my backyard, enjoying every minute of it. The flowerbeds are full of color, and the bunnies and the birds are very busy. It’s all wonderful, and it has restored me.

In the depths of winter I think about moving somewhere else, but I wouldn’t miss this for the world. Now that I’m older and don’t have to go anywhere if I don’t want to most of the time, I actually like the austerity and interiority of winter, and feel that Spring and then Summer are worth 6 months of cold and snow. Autumn has its charms, too. I value each season and the whole turning wheel of the year.

Nietzsche said “Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” That’s become a popular part of our American lexicon, but that’s not really the way I want to think about it. Life is not a contest to see who can suffer the most and survive. It’s not a game show. I have a magnet on my fridge that says, “Dear Whatever Doesn’t Kill Me, I’m strong enough now. Thanks.” LOL! Sometimes I definitely feel that way. I just want everything to go well all of the time.

That’s not how it works, though, and it has taken me a long time to get that through my head. I was sure for most of my young life that I was doing something wrong; that if I could just learn how to do everything perfectly, I would have a beautiful life.

Yeah, no. Not so much.

The Buddhists say, “No lotus without mud.” I would say, no flowers without rain. I don’t think lotuses would grow here, though we do have lovely water lilies on the ponds and some of the inland lakes. So for us, I guess, it’s no water lilies without mud.🪷

I have felt for a long time that I appreciate and enjoy the joyous times more because of the periods of depression I’ve experienced for most of my life. It is the up and down, back and forth nature of the world and this human life that tempers us and helps us grow at the same time. Just as too much sun will kill the flowers, experiencing only happiness and ease would turn us into something less than desirable, too.

Adversity teaches us to call on our creativity to solve problems, and builds resilience, or what Nietzsche called strength, I guess. If everything is just as you want it to be all of the time, how do you cope when something bad happens in your life? Because it will. For sure. Difficult times also build compassion and connection to others experiencing challenges.

In other words, just like rain helps the flowers grow and produce seeds for the next summer, adversity helps us grow and develop skills and resilience to help us throughout our lives.

Granted, it’s still hard to get through those difficult times, and all I ever want is to get past the challenge and back to the good stuff again. That’s where the wisdom of age comes in. I know that everything passes. The sunshine, the rain, the good and the bad. I’ve experienced it many times. Just when I think nothing will change, it does. For better or worse. Change is the very nature of this planet and human life, also.

For now, the sun is shining and it’s warm and colorful, and my life has been going smoothly. That will change at some point, of course. I know that, but I try not to dwell on it. I try to be as present in every moment as I can be; to soak in the sun and the warmth, go for long sweaty bike rides, take it all in.

Thinking of times like this sustains me in the difficult times, and knowing that the good times will always come again, after winter, after the dark times, makes all the difference.

😎

Photo by Kristel Hayes on Unsplash

Write it in your heart that every day is the best day of the year. Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, breathe the wild air. Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hot and humid and stormy this week. Not unheard of here, especially around the 4th of July, but not that usual, either. We’ve gone from 60s to upper 80s with wicked humidity in the space of a few days, bringing thunderstorms daily this week with so much rain that there is widespread flooding. Crazy. This is northern Michigan, after all, not Florida. Forecast says back to “normal” by Friday, so we’ll see what that means.

I’m pleased to say the depression has lifted and I’m feeling like myself again. I almost never know specifically what starts it, and I’m never sure what ends it, but I’m grateful to have made it through again. I’m ready to enjoy summer, now that the weather seems more seasonal, or at least it will, starting on Friday. I had a lovely bike ride on Monday, and then it got too hot. I have high hopes for the next couple of weeks. This is my favorite time of year.

I came across the quote by Emerson above in my travels through the internet this week, and it really spoke to me. “Old nonsense,” indeed. I laughed out loud when I read it. I certainly have plenty of old nonsense rattling around in my head. The whole thing really resonated:. Truer words never spoken. Get over yourself and get on with it.

Amen, brother!

What a miracle it is to be alive on this beautiful planet, and to be so lucky as to have enough food, a cozy house, and people and pets to love. What joy is found in watching the flowers bloom in the yard, and to see the bunnies munching on the clover. A delicious dinner with a life-long friend. Music, books, the internet, which connects me to friends near and far. Sleeping in. Chocolate chip scones for breakfast. And how about the World Cup? Or the Olympics a few months ago. All those young people from so many countries competing peacefully in their sport of choice, rather than fighting wars.

Small wonderful things.

All over the place. Every minute of every day. These things keep me going. Grace waking me up in the morning with a gentle nudge, purring, reminding me it’s time for a treat. The look on Clare’s face when she sees me open the canned food I’ve started giving her to help with her digestive issues. I’m sure people in Canada can hear her purring, and the sparkle in her pretty green eyes is as bright as ever again.

A belly laugh from mom in response to Ted Lasso, which we’ve just started watching cuz I got a free offer for AppleTV for a month. Bruce Springsteen or Elton John or Mozart in my earbuds while I’m reading outside. Reading, period. All the books I want to read! All I have enjoyed and all I have learned from them and enjoyed. What a thing to have hours to read now. Retirement is the best thing EVER.

So many things.

Life can be horrible. No doubt. Natural disasters disrupting homes and lives, poverty, homelessness. Mental illness, addiction. Heartbreak. Loss. It’s not easy on this planet for anyone. Easier for some than others, perhaps, in some ways, but still challenging in others. No one gets a free ride.

It all has to be measured against the joy, though. There is a lot of that, too. You know it. The things that bring me joy may not be the things that bring you joy, but most everyone has some measure of happiness somewhere, somehow.

Let go of yesterday. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Enjoy today. It’ll be gone soon enough, no matter what it brings.

Write it on your heart. Today is the best day.

Look for and enjoy all the small wonderful things all around. Look closely. Get past your old nonsense, and the news. Embrace the joys. They’re there, believe me.

All the small wonderful things, all around us, quietly offering themselves every moment of every day. What a world, and what a privilege to be here.

Write it in your heart.