When I am Queen


  1.  Anyone who deliberately harms a child, animal, or disabled or elderly person IN ANY WAY will be imprisoned for life, forced to eat spiders, and have body hair removed one at a time with tweezers for 2 hours daily.
  2. Bullying, in any form, will not be tolerated. Perpetrators will be imprisoned and forced to endure the really bad and annoying acts on “America’s Got Talent” 24 hours per day, and consume a diet consisting only of worms for the remainder of their lives
  3. TV commercials will be banned. (Except the funny ones – the Queen enjoys the funny ones. They will be reclassified as Entertainment and re-filmed without the annoying selling part.)
  4. Daily news will be made available on all media outlets once per day for one hour. Period.
  5. Political campaigns will be allowed to assault the public consciousness for two weeks ONLY prior to any election. Failure to abide by this rule will result in immediate imprisonment and voice box removal.
  6. It will be forbidden to discuss politics or elections. See above re: voice box removal. End of story. The Queen will not entertain any dissension on this point. Finito. Ipso facto. Done.
  7. Voting will be made easy for everyone over 18 through various forms of technology and will be required. Failure to vote will result in immediate expulsion from the realm. Really. If you don’t use it you lose it. Go live in North Korea or China, then tell the Queen how it’s not worth voting or you don’t have the time. Honestly.
  8. Lying will be a crime, punished swiftly and eagerly. Anyone discovered to have been lying will be imprisoned in a solitary, sound-proof chamber, given only tar and snakes to eat, and vinegar to drink for the rest of their lives.
  9. All subjects not prevented by an allergy or other contraindication will be given all available vaccinations. There will be no exceptions to this rule. Failure to comply with this rule will result in expulsion from the realm. Period. No kidding. Children and old people are not going to die in the realm because you read something on the internet and are too stupid to know it’s crap.
  10. Healthcare for all in the realm will be treated as the inalienable human right it is. It will be provided at no cost to every person in every place. Ditto education. Any teacher or educational system who allows a child to pass to another level without a firm grasp of all he’s learned to that point will be imprisoned immediately, and placed in solitary with a bag over their head(s) for the remainder of their lives. Everyone – EVERYONE – in the realm will be able to read, write, do math, and have a basic understanding of history and science, and will therefore be a valued participant in his own life and in the life of the community.
  11. No one in the realm will make more than $100,00 per year, or possess more than $150,000 at any one time. Seriously. Belief that one must possess more money will be considered a mental illness and treated accordingly with drugs and counseling. Subjects will be encouraged to get a fecking clue about what’s important in life. Money makes people crazy, and the Queen will not tolerate that kind of crazy.
  12. No taxes. (Fantasy monarchy, fantasy realm, fantasy money. Easy-peasy. Yeah, I could fantasize about Brad Pitt or something, but this is what I wish for. Don’t judge.)
  13. No guns. No exceptions. No hunting – see #1. No kidding. (I don’t have to explain or defend – I AM THE QUEEN. )
  14. The Queen will be the Queen for life. All other positions of influence in the realm will be filled by election. In order to qualify to run for a position of influence you must demonstrate to the Queen that you are an intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate, truthful person of integrity, with no prejudices of any kind.
  15. Everyone is welcome in the realm. If you are willing to live by the rules, you are welcome no matter your gender, your color, your size, your anything. We will be free to live our lives, safely, healthfully, and joyfully in the realm, unmolested by the intolerance, misinformation and vagaries of our present human society.

The Queen anticipates presiding over a small court (see #14) and a small realm. That’s fine. It will be a place where people are nurtured and as happy as they can be, where children are valued and LIFE is valued and everything else – anything that robs us of peace, including other people – are simply not allowed. Life is too hard for us NOT to support one another and try to ease each other’s way. That’s just the way it should be.

And so it is, and so it shall be, now and forever. The Queen has spoken.

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