I love to think about the future. I wrote a post recently about some possibilities I’m thinking about for my life after my mother is not a part of it anymore, and some of that seems really interesting, even exciting, to me. I like to think about possibility. Some of it seems scary, but that’s okay, too.
What I do mostly, though, is worry about the future, and about possibility. Anything can, and does, happen in this world. Good and bad, enlightening, enlivening, crushing or challenging. I don’t worry about the good, but I do think about the bad.
A lot.
Not surprisingly, this causes anxiety, and sometimes it completely hijacks my brain and my nervous system, and I find myself stuck in a loop of doom. What if…one of the things on the very long list of potential problems happens in my life, with my mom, or Grace, or my health, or one of our houses, or with the insane current government in this country, or the weather, or…
On and on. So many things can go wrong, and in fact, have in the last few months, that I can spin for hours in the dark, murky waters of what if, and drive myself nuts. In fact, the last 2 years have been very challenging for me in a number of ways. (Other people, too, where the weather is concerned, especially.)
The only thing that has any chance of bringing me out of that spiral into the depts, is reminding myself that I only have to do today. And today, right now, is most likely fine.
Fundamentally, today it is the ONLY day.
Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not promised, and unknowable. I try to just enjoy the day. Do the things that are required today, and some things that are not required, but enjoyable and comfortable.
Think about and deal with tomorrow when it comes. Good things happen just as often as bad things, usually, and there is every chance that it will all work out just fine. My mother’s Yoda perspective on everything (except her own health) these days, is it will all work out somehow. (Work out it will.) 😉
She’s right, of course. I’m starting to have that long view, also. I have a 100% success record of getting through things at this point, and there’s no reason to believe that will change. I’m smart and capable and I’ll figure out what to do when it happens. Worrying about it is not helpful.
So, I just need to convince the 7 year-old in my brain and chest, who is panicking all the time. She remembers a time in this house, with this particular woman, in which she had to be vigilant all the time, on alert for trouble every moment of every day.
She’s just trying to keep us safe, and I get that, but really, I wish she’d just relax. I’m not 7 anymore, and I really don’t need to be on constant alert. There is plenty of time to panic when something is actually happening. I don’t need to rehearse.
I talk to her, and feed her sugary treats, and try hard to convince her, but she’s just as stubborn as she was then and I don’t seem to be getting through. The anxiety shows up in my dreams even if I don’t acknowledge it during the day.
I could take medication, but been there, done that. Don’t want to do it again now, for lots of reasons. I meditate. I journal. I exercise and feed all those helpful little endorphins to my weary brain. Most of the time, I’m fine. I stop the unhelpful worrying in its tracks, with a gentle reminder that TODAY is the only day, the only thing I have to worry about right now.
And then something challenging happens, and my nervous system gets all ramped up again, and here we go. On alert for a while. Until I remember and do the things that help, and remind myself of what today is.
It’s all good. I’m lucky in so many ways, and the challenges I face are so small compared to those others deal with everyday all over the world. Mostly I laugh at how crazy I am and just get on with it. I know that I’m all right no matter what, and that it’ll all work out in the end. I have perspective now that I didn’t have when I was a little girl, and someday she’ll trust me and life, and we’ll just get on with it together.
Someday…after all, anything is possible!
🤭