In the last couple of weeks, we have lost 2 of my favorite authors and two women I admire. Dolly Parton, Gloria Steinem, Wendell Berry, and now, just this week, Annie Dillard. What will we do without all those good people to sing to us, care for us, fight for us, and tell us who we are in the scheme of things on this beautiful planet? Others will fill those gaps, no doubt at some point, if not now, and we will go on, of course. It won’t be the same, though. Nothing stays the same. Everything changes, and though it’s difficult to come to terms with sometimes, it’s a “feature,” of this life, not a design flaw, as it turns out.
Grace is filling the “Clare” gap, in her way, by essentially becoming the “downstairs cat.” She has been exploring her new domain, and has decided that the downstairs, especially the living room, where mom is most of the time, has it all over the upstairs. This is a good thing, and mom is pretty happy about this particular adjustment. We both miss Clare, but Grace is filling that hole in our hearts, whether she intends to, or not.
I have had to adjust my belief that “everything on this earth has as much right to exist as I do,” by adding, “but not necessarily in my house”. I have been overrun with fruit flies for a few weeks. They are certainly annoying little buggers and they multiply rapidly, exponentially, in fact. I have eaten a banana for breakfast most every day of my adult life, and I’ve always just thrown the peels in the garbage. Suddenly this summer, that’s a problem.
For a while, my guests were just in the trash, then they branched out. They were, quite literally everywhere, pretty quickly, and I had to take action or move out. I chose to put out an apple cider trap, which was very effective. I really had to consider it, though. I didn’t want to kill them. I just didn’t want to live with them. They were not convinced to leave voluntarily, however, and they are impossible to catch – gee, they’re quick! – so the trap was the only answer. At least they had a last taste of something sweet in this life before being dispatched to the great beyond.
So, as Annie Dillard suggests in the quote above, I NOTICED them. Then I killed them. Sorry. Yes, they have a right to “be,” but not in my house unless they’re contributing to the mortgage. The spiders, the flies, the bees, and other bugs that find their way inside are given a reprieve and either just allowed to hang out (spiders), or gently guided to the outdoors in a Dixie cup.
I’m adjusting to Autumn, and life without Clare, and the challenges and gifts of aging. Life is always a dance with change, with loss, especially. I’m not a great dancer, but I’ve gotten better over the years, with plenty of practice.
Change is not always easy, but in my experience, it is mostly good. I have certainly changed in 64 years, and I celebrate that whole-heartedly. (I look at our President and am stumped that someone could be 80 years old and still reacting to life and people in the way he did as a 9-year old child.)
When I look back at all the adjustments I’ve made in the way I see and react to life over the years, thanks in part to writers like Annie Dillard and Wendell Berry, and role models like Gloria Steinem and Dolly Parton, and so many others, I am grateful for change, and the life I’ve lived.
As it turns out, it’s all good, no matter how it seems when it’s happening. I don’t believe in fate or that there’s a plan, or a god who administers that plan, but I do believe in flow. Of being in tune with the planet and with the stream of life we’re all navigating, making adjustments for the wind and the current as we go.
🚣♂️