Let it be

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I couldn’t sleep last night because I kept thinking about something someone “did” to me yesterday. I went over and over in my head all the things I wanted to say, the letter I was going to write, and how I was going to right the wrong. I kept telling myself to just let it go and go to sleep, but I wasn’t listening to myself. I was “listening” to my humiliation.

That’s where the anger (and the anxiety) was coming from: someone questioned my integrity, but even worse than that, they treated me as if what I need doesn’t matter. Yep. That’s right where it is, in my gut, in my head. That desperate feeling of being less than. What a horrible, sickening feeling that is. It hits me where I live.

They made a decision they knew would hurt me, denying my request for something I need and that they have the power to give. That’s really what it comes down to: I am powerless in this situation and that makes me feel horrible. They treated me callously and dismissively and that’s hard to take. No one should ever be treated that way.

Happens all the time, though, doesn’t it? I treat people thoughtlessly sometimes; not usually because I mean to, but because what they feel doesn’t seem as important to me as what I’m feeling. It’s really that simple. I treat you differently than I want to be treated because I think my needs are more important than yours. Not that hard to understand.

Hard to accept, though, when you don’t get what you want because someone didn’t give you the consideration you feel you deserve. Being treated as less than, as if you don’t matter, that to me is the hardest to take. It’s my “red” button. Press it and it’s instant anger.

But I have to let it go. The anger, the anxiety, the hurt.  I don’t want to be carrying this around any longer than I have already, in fact. If I hang on to it for very long it’ll eat me alive.

So, there’s nothing for it but to forgive. If I am going to get any sleep for the foreseeable future, I’m going to have to forgive the person who has done me wrong. Not for their sake – they don’t care. For my sake. Because there’s nothing else I can do to and keep going on.

It has to be sincere. It won’t work unless I really open my heart and let it out. All the vengeance, the humiliation, the blame. The “you did this to me, and how dare you!” All of it. Fully accepting that they did it on purpose, knowing it would hurt me, and that they didn’t care about that. All the ugliness – out. It has to go. It’s the only way to have peace.

Then I can heal from this, and then I can sleep. That’s how I take care of myself in this – by dumping it all back in their lap:

I forgive you for not treating me as you would want to be treated.

I forgive you for not trying to understand the ramifications of your decision, and/or understanding and not caring.

I forgive you for using your power to hurt me rather than help me.

I forgive you for being human.